Gentlelady,
Sometimes, it comes a point in time where a term cannot asset you. A word cannot define you, and you just have no control over the words the world uses to describe yourself. This is why I have taken to coin a term that I would like to associate, a word that I can mold into who I am. Why you ask? Only because, a person like myself deserves a term to empower them to be who they are! I feel that "Genderqueer" is a term that means so much to me already that it's lost the ability to contain me. I have the most queer of lifestyles that I have to move up a bracket. "Gentlelady" is that. Well at least to myself. I'm tired to connecting to a word everyone else does. Only because I am unique as everyone else is. Words are just words and seemingly knowing this I had to best it. I'm a go getter! Sitting idle is not a thing I can stand too. "Gentlelady" says that and so much more. It means I am soft hearted and loving. That I am brave and bold. I've taken a "Man's" term... and adopted it and fit it to who I am. I am sweet, soft, bold, brash, radical, and ready for the world. I am steadfast. Caring. I am helpful. I am Tegan. "Gentlelady" says that... and again. So much more. I'm a huge geek, I love to talk about anything. I love sports and getting rough. I love to be clean and dirty. I'm humourous, and sly. I'm shy and outgoing. I'm a klutz and made for better days. I'm going to best the world. "Gentlelady" says that!
To move up, and graduate into who you are. You need an internal revolution. A movement that you can use as a testament of your legacy. No one will ever understand what it means to be who you are unless you let them. How do you make them understand you? YOU shove it in their face and hold it firm. You let them know that you exist and you are a person. With feelings, friends, family, and fears. You are an obstacle to overcome, a building to be built as a monument to yourself. You must remember that you are a person. To be who you are is a movement. This is something we all must remember. We are not just a word, we are a person. Which we have to build into a word. A word must not conform us. It must conform to us. We never let go, and hang tight. We are strong, we are steadfast, we are relentless, we are people. "Gentlelady", now that says that.
~Tegan Rowan "Gentlelady" Stryker
Monday, December 17, 2012
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Fierce and Fearful
Something I never really get to talk about is myself. Yeah, I know I get to talk about myself about all my achievements. The sad thing is I never get to talk about my daily life. Doesn't matter where I go and the people I know. I just seem to be meant to just hear everyone's problems and help them. That is perfectly okay though, I love everyone and I love to help them. It's just become overwhelming to me in places. All my friends use myself as a problem solver or someone to vent too. My family, come to me with their problems because they need to have a clear point of view on their issues. People just flock to me for help to the point that I cannot help all of them. That bugs me. I am loved by so many folks and that bugs me even more. If I fuck up, that's someone's life I fuck up. That's not an option.
I've come to the terms that I have to find community that doesn't pour their problems onto me. Only because I have to have some place to vent as well. It's not fair to use my partner for this, I know they expect me to do this. I just cannot see myself doing it. Plus, they have their own issues and I don't want to add to that. I kinda just want a friend who is stable, not really looking for help, and willing to listen. In a perfect world that would be all of us. I mean, I have a grand deal going on in my life. It's almost crazy that a year and half ago I couldn't list three things I had going for me. Now, I am working on two groups, going and doing presentations, and finally doing my own other projects. I've just been recruited for another project tonight that I couldn't say no too. I don't want to say no because I like it. I don't need to say no. I should do what I enjoy. I enjoy all the things I am doing at the moment. I've finally got a purpose to the point that I want to be the most I can be. I want to be happier. This is doing that. You have to understand that in this Trans* community there are really only two people that are readily available to deal with everyone. Other folks have their lives, and I support them. This is my life, and I live it. I help people out everyday. That's my life. I love it. I just wish I could have someone help me out. I want to be more able to be at peace with myself.
My partner is going through a bad time at the moment. I really am upset that I do not know what to say to her. I really love her, and she deserves to know that. She's very much more inspirational to myself than I think she actually understands. In the short time I have known her and dated her I can say I love her because she is who she is. She is stronger than she thinks. I wish I could make everything that goes bad for her. I wish I could make that good, only because she's been there for me so MUCH more than I think she knows. The fact I get to talk to her in a day makes me more happier. It's kinda like that tunnel I am in has an amazing light at the end of it. I don't normally write these about folks. I just want her to know that I am here for her, that I care about her, and that I will be the person she needs more now than ever.
I shouldn't be fearful, but I am. Only because I am scared of what I will look like in the end. Only because I want to know what this all is going to amount too. I am scared that every person's life I have touched and every person's problem I have solved is going to make a bit of difference. I do not do it for the recognition. I really just do it for the fact that I can see someone happier than I. Someone that knows that someone loves them for who they are. It's fearful to know that I did not have that growing up. I want to be fierce. I want to be the one that makes it all better. We shouldn't have to wait on it to be better... It really should just be better already.
~Tegan
I've come to the terms that I have to find community that doesn't pour their problems onto me. Only because I have to have some place to vent as well. It's not fair to use my partner for this, I know they expect me to do this. I just cannot see myself doing it. Plus, they have their own issues and I don't want to add to that. I kinda just want a friend who is stable, not really looking for help, and willing to listen. In a perfect world that would be all of us. I mean, I have a grand deal going on in my life. It's almost crazy that a year and half ago I couldn't list three things I had going for me. Now, I am working on two groups, going and doing presentations, and finally doing my own other projects. I've just been recruited for another project tonight that I couldn't say no too. I don't want to say no because I like it. I don't need to say no. I should do what I enjoy. I enjoy all the things I am doing at the moment. I've finally got a purpose to the point that I want to be the most I can be. I want to be happier. This is doing that. You have to understand that in this Trans* community there are really only two people that are readily available to deal with everyone. Other folks have their lives, and I support them. This is my life, and I live it. I help people out everyday. That's my life. I love it. I just wish I could have someone help me out. I want to be more able to be at peace with myself.
My partner is going through a bad time at the moment. I really am upset that I do not know what to say to her. I really love her, and she deserves to know that. She's very much more inspirational to myself than I think she actually understands. In the short time I have known her and dated her I can say I love her because she is who she is. She is stronger than she thinks. I wish I could make everything that goes bad for her. I wish I could make that good, only because she's been there for me so MUCH more than I think she knows. The fact I get to talk to her in a day makes me more happier. It's kinda like that tunnel I am in has an amazing light at the end of it. I don't normally write these about folks. I just want her to know that I am here for her, that I care about her, and that I will be the person she needs more now than ever.
I shouldn't be fearful, but I am. Only because I am scared of what I will look like in the end. Only because I want to know what this all is going to amount too. I am scared that every person's life I have touched and every person's problem I have solved is going to make a bit of difference. I do not do it for the recognition. I really just do it for the fact that I can see someone happier than I. Someone that knows that someone loves them for who they are. It's fearful to know that I did not have that growing up. I want to be fierce. I want to be the one that makes it all better. We shouldn't have to wait on it to be better... It really should just be better already.
~Tegan
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
A Letter Sent Yesterday
Dear old Tegan,
I am writing you from eight years in the future. I know, I know. It's scary to believe we would make it this far, at this point in your life you're scared shitless and not really knowing where to go. I know you are probably wondering "What do I accomplish?" or "What is life like for me now?" I am going to tell you that the beginning of this journey you are undertaking is going to be rough as hell and mind fucking at the same time. You're going to learn that being who you are is all you really have to yourself. Though, you are never going to believe where that gets you. You are going to be the most pivotal person in so many folks lives and you are going to make so much change that you yourself will contemplate and reflect like crazy.
You know how you are saying all the time "I want to crash my body like a plane." Well guess what? You get tired of that very quickly and you even meet someone who is going to help you get over that nasty little habit you have (though, you almost die twice from it, you never give up on living). You are going to see more of the world than you ever deem fit and you are also going to make sure that you remember everything in your life (apparently, somewhere down the line we become obsessed with documenting our life. It gets kinda awesome by the way). You are going to meet some of the most interesting folks this side of the planet and live as passionately as you deem fit. Tegan, we are going to make up a Motto when we are 21 and even start a new lifestyle when we are 23. I'm going to let you find out when and where this happens but they are magical.
That habit we have of putting people down and being a socially unaccepted person. Yeah, let's just say that you kinda become really famous and loved by hundreds of folks. You'll actually start walking into rooms and going "I'm Tegan Rowan Stryker" and people will respect you. Cool, eh? It won't be immediate and you will work fucking hard as hell to get there. Did I mention that at a single point we become less chaotic and actually start shaping ourselves into someone who we actually like? We do. You're going to love it when it happens. You're going to actually change the inclusion policies at Dixie soon too. That feeling you get in your gut before you speak... start fucking listening to it. If you start now, maybe just maybe we will finally learn what and how to say things that are appropriate to say. ALSO! We lose the desire to type "lyke dis". It's really for the best to just learn to type and write properly now. It's going to make it all better.
Book a show at the Mad Frog as soon as you can and make sure that you do it right. People are going to kinda remember that show and your legacy starts there. Remember to always thank those who help you and build better relationships. It's going to seem for the longest time you are going to be unaccepted but one day you really stop caring and it just skyrockets to the moon from there. You are going to become somewhat of a Wine expert and Party person. It's for the best that your really hone your skills because you start given advice on how to be a functioning drunk at 21. You really get talented with that one...
Remember the first time you put on a dress and felt pretty? You are going to one day walk right out that door, head held high, high heels on, make up'd all pretty and soon plastered and people will actually assume you female. It's hard to believe that. Remember how embarrassing it was at first. Later, you just do your own thing and just make it work for the best! You are just going to see things through a different way than most people, and that scares them. Not you though, you will become nonyielding passionate, and caring. Hard to believe that Mother actually calls you "Soft-hearted" in a few years. Always an angry soul we thought we would be.
Do your best at school and start loving it. One day you are going to miss the days in those hall ways and miss the people you never speak to anymore. You're going to outgrow so much because you grow up so fast. You're going to lose all that weight, become an amazing Trumpet player, and even break 200 (You'll know in due time). You get to see the Miracle Mile, Amsterdam, Paris, and England. You get to kiss in the English rain and dance in the morning light on the cliffs of Cork, Ireland! You're going to memorize languages and slang. People will think you quite an odd person. It's okay though, you've earned it.
Make up, remember how hard it was to put it on the first time, and even harder how it just seemed to go everywhere. What if I told you, you become like a pro at putting that shit on and even start giving advice! It's amazing all the things we just don't understand at this moment. They become kinda just part of you in a point. You stop questioning why you do things and just... do them.
"I look back on where I am from, look at the woman I've become, and the strangest things seem suddenly routine!" - Hedwig
Don't and please don't follow trends. You make some poor trend choices at 17 that you really just shouldn't. Dyke Spikes are totes not your thing. Though, you look good, you are more of a long hair kinda gal. I won't lie. We are still not on hormones, but that really doesn't stop you. In fact, after you turn 22. You find out something KINDA fucking amazing and you just run with it. Oh, let's just say you REALLY start to hate "Binaries". Start learning about Gender Theory now. Maybe that means by time we are 20. This fucking presentation will be done and over with and you will be famous. I'm still working on that aspect! Oh, you know how you are really bad at math right now? Let's just say that "Googleplex" kinda becomes something you never tire of calculating. You actually calculate it over 50 times for one paper. 50! That's crazy but fun!
You are going to get engaged twice... TWICE! I know, kinda a big thing for someone like us. We find amazing people who we fall deeply in love with. One of them is going to change the person you are now into the person I am today. You're going to love that journey. Every time you see his face, you better tell him you love him. You better hold on to him tighter than you will ever hold anyone again. He's going to make you more proud of who you are than I can ever speak or spell.
A few things you should be ready to know:
Tegan Rowan Stryker
I am writing you from eight years in the future. I know, I know. It's scary to believe we would make it this far, at this point in your life you're scared shitless and not really knowing where to go. I know you are probably wondering "What do I accomplish?" or "What is life like for me now?" I am going to tell you that the beginning of this journey you are undertaking is going to be rough as hell and mind fucking at the same time. You're going to learn that being who you are is all you really have to yourself. Though, you are never going to believe where that gets you. You are going to be the most pivotal person in so many folks lives and you are going to make so much change that you yourself will contemplate and reflect like crazy.
You know how you are saying all the time "I want to crash my body like a plane." Well guess what? You get tired of that very quickly and you even meet someone who is going to help you get over that nasty little habit you have (though, you almost die twice from it, you never give up on living). You are going to see more of the world than you ever deem fit and you are also going to make sure that you remember everything in your life (apparently, somewhere down the line we become obsessed with documenting our life. It gets kinda awesome by the way). You are going to meet some of the most interesting folks this side of the planet and live as passionately as you deem fit. Tegan, we are going to make up a Motto when we are 21 and even start a new lifestyle when we are 23. I'm going to let you find out when and where this happens but they are magical.
That habit we have of putting people down and being a socially unaccepted person. Yeah, let's just say that you kinda become really famous and loved by hundreds of folks. You'll actually start walking into rooms and going "I'm Tegan Rowan Stryker" and people will respect you. Cool, eh? It won't be immediate and you will work fucking hard as hell to get there. Did I mention that at a single point we become less chaotic and actually start shaping ourselves into someone who we actually like? We do. You're going to love it when it happens. You're going to actually change the inclusion policies at Dixie soon too. That feeling you get in your gut before you speak... start fucking listening to it. If you start now, maybe just maybe we will finally learn what and how to say things that are appropriate to say. ALSO! We lose the desire to type "lyke dis". It's really for the best to just learn to type and write properly now. It's going to make it all better.
Book a show at the Mad Frog as soon as you can and make sure that you do it right. People are going to kinda remember that show and your legacy starts there. Remember to always thank those who help you and build better relationships. It's going to seem for the longest time you are going to be unaccepted but one day you really stop caring and it just skyrockets to the moon from there. You are going to become somewhat of a Wine expert and Party person. It's for the best that your really hone your skills because you start given advice on how to be a functioning drunk at 21. You really get talented with that one...
Remember the first time you put on a dress and felt pretty? You are going to one day walk right out that door, head held high, high heels on, make up'd all pretty and soon plastered and people will actually assume you female. It's hard to believe that. Remember how embarrassing it was at first. Later, you just do your own thing and just make it work for the best! You are just going to see things through a different way than most people, and that scares them. Not you though, you will become nonyielding passionate, and caring. Hard to believe that Mother actually calls you "Soft-hearted" in a few years. Always an angry soul we thought we would be.
Do your best at school and start loving it. One day you are going to miss the days in those hall ways and miss the people you never speak to anymore. You're going to outgrow so much because you grow up so fast. You're going to lose all that weight, become an amazing Trumpet player, and even break 200 (You'll know in due time). You get to see the Miracle Mile, Amsterdam, Paris, and England. You get to kiss in the English rain and dance in the morning light on the cliffs of Cork, Ireland! You're going to memorize languages and slang. People will think you quite an odd person. It's okay though, you've earned it.
Make up, remember how hard it was to put it on the first time, and even harder how it just seemed to go everywhere. What if I told you, you become like a pro at putting that shit on and even start giving advice! It's amazing all the things we just don't understand at this moment. They become kinda just part of you in a point. You stop questioning why you do things and just... do them.
"I look back on where I am from, look at the woman I've become, and the strangest things seem suddenly routine!" - Hedwig
Don't and please don't follow trends. You make some poor trend choices at 17 that you really just shouldn't. Dyke Spikes are totes not your thing. Though, you look good, you are more of a long hair kinda gal. I won't lie. We are still not on hormones, but that really doesn't stop you. In fact, after you turn 22. You find out something KINDA fucking amazing and you just run with it. Oh, let's just say you REALLY start to hate "Binaries". Start learning about Gender Theory now. Maybe that means by time we are 20. This fucking presentation will be done and over with and you will be famous. I'm still working on that aspect! Oh, you know how you are really bad at math right now? Let's just say that "Googleplex" kinda becomes something you never tire of calculating. You actually calculate it over 50 times for one paper. 50! That's crazy but fun!
You are going to get engaged twice... TWICE! I know, kinda a big thing for someone like us. We find amazing people who we fall deeply in love with. One of them is going to change the person you are now into the person I am today. You're going to love that journey. Every time you see his face, you better tell him you love him. You better hold on to him tighter than you will ever hold anyone again. He's going to make you more proud of who you are than I can ever speak or spell.
A few things you should be ready to know:
- Learn to run in high heels... you are not going to like what follows you
- Love like you are going to never love again
- Think passionately, talk gently
- Red lipstick is a poor choice
- Breath when it seems the worst
- Remember the taste
- Learn German sooner!
- Always keep that ring close
- It doesn't kill you, I promise
- Laugh like you're gonna die young.
Tegan Rowan Stryker
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