Better now than never. In the past month I have been unpacking my mind in more than one way. Only because I am wanting to be more secure in my head space. It's not been the most easiest of times since I was let go from Chipotle. Why? Only because in the area I live in, it's honestly hard to find a job. I know you are thinking about Cincinnati and it being a Major U.S. City. That much is truth, only problem is we have a very high amount of folks who are jobless and on top of that, we have a rising number of Homeless in our city.
Being let go from Chipotle, because I was Trans* and my boss didn't want to tell me directly that was the reason was very upsetting. He treated me very much different than anyone else who worked there. He was continually short with me, never had a kind word for me (even though I was one of the best workers there at the time of my employment) and this was evident on paperwork. My job should have been secure because everyone loved me at the job. He was the single person who had the issue. When I tried to address it with him, he blatantly walked away from me. Didn't even address the issue. Of his own accord he decided to oppress me. So, even though I was only there for three months. I was a hard worker and dedicated myself to my job, but because I was Trans* I was fired. Only because I was told "People seem to have an issue with you." Which, continues to be a lie as I continue to hang out with my co-workers from Chipotle still to this day. For it again was him with the problem.
This was a daunting task to dread seeing your boss come in because the negative feeling he placed on me. When he wasn't there. I had a blast. He continually negates any remorse from his action. I was let go. That was it, just simple plain fact. I still feel horrified by this because I have never been fired and because I was Trans* it resulted in that (though I had worked as Trans* at several places before) yet, this one time my Trans* lifestyle superseded my work ethic and ability to maintain and be efficient.
I had only got my job at Chipotle because my best friend was working there and put a good word in for me. I had been looking for work since June. I didn't get this job until July... and on top of that started the day AFTER I buried my Great Aunt Thelma. Which was very hard. So, after that I started looking for work again... and to my persistence.... had no luck. I continue to be jobless because I cannot find work. Not that I don't try. I put tons of applications in, call employers, and yet I cannot even get an interview and that is daunting to think about. What about me on paper looks bad? I mean I am a published Quantum Physics Hobbyist! I developed "Neutrino Charge Existence"! YEP! That was me!
I achieve highly and I am happy about that, but I am kinda in the left wing going "WELLLLLL WHY?" I know I worked at Chipotle only because I am still a college student. Finding a job to support my theory won't be thought of until the testing of the Theory in 2016 by CERN Labs. So, it's a pickle, but I will survive. Though, Super Large Hadron Collider is going to be... BEAUTIFUL!
So, yes. Bills have been super tight and sex work that I have been under taking to make ends meet has be sparse. It's a low-high business. Seasonal work at best. My family was helping me out, but they kinda dropped the ball and decided to let it lay. So, I am swamped with bills to the point that I cannot pay them and I have lost my childhood home because of it. Which, is even more upsetting. To be honest, regardless of how much I do hate that house. I will miss it only because growing up. That was a place I knew as home and a place I knew if I was having trouble I could return to and be safe. It's upsetting to know it's going to be gone in a short time.
With everything going stray and myself not being able to really control the lack of money, the piles of bills, and the lack of food because the government only wants to give me 34 dollars a month for food. I cannot collect unemployment because I haven't paid enough into it, though I have been working since I was 18 and provided for myself and paid my dues. I cannot get away. I mean, I was working full time too. I helped pay for my college and now... when I need help my government kinda says "Do you have kids? No? Well then, this system will not provide for you. Should have knocked up a person in your teens. You'd be able to mooch off the system forever." Though, I am trying to use the system for the pure intent. Which is help while you look for a job, which is oddly funny it doesn't exist anymore as that.
With all this getting to me, I've been in a mental state that I haven't been in since I was 15. Having the thoughts I was having was very discerning because I promised someone I would never do such a thing because He'd want it that way. Even though, knowing I was going to be free from my problems and finally able to rest. I was not going to do it, because I keep my promises.
Luckily, I have really good friends who have taken me in as of late because of the things going stray. They are giving me food, shelter, and internet to help me find a job. The things I was highly lacking... In a crazy silly mixed up world. I'm going to be okay. I've been getting and feeling better for the past week. I've made a few head ways but it still daunts me. I'm worried I will drown, but I gotta keep pushing forward. I'm Tegan Rowan Stryker and for that... the world hasn't seen this shooting star shine yet.
Friday, January 25, 2013
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Breaking Out
Sometimes, when I think folks are not watching me. I take a heavy breath, sigh, and look at the evening skyline cresting the buildings, slowly fading into the midnight heat of the glistening city walls. It's those moments right then, that I clench the necklace upon the chest and close my eyes. I close my eyes and imagine the shifting earth, heaving me up and dragging me off away from that space and moment in time. I hear the gentle winds flow past my ears like the see the wind. I see the wind from beyond me, pulling me into the void of which I wish to slumber in. That void, that place far off in the distance. The distance to great to reach it in this time, but in a later time.
I could reach to that void, touch it's surface with my fingertips. Those fingers would start a ripple that would scratch the surface of the celestial void that beckons to my eyes like the night sky upon the unyielding velvet moors and shires. In those fleeting moments that void ripples like a bubble that had be touched by the graceful winds, those same winds enveloping my mortal heart. That heart that continues to bellow out the fleeting sounds of life. Only to ponder upon themselves in which they themselves purge the intent of time of their yester-years.
That void close to my heart, but so far from reach I wallow in the pity of the men who have yet to begin to understand the plague of the wicked fathers that spewed bigoted talk of unyielding resentment in their eyes. Filled to the hallowed hollowed hearts that yearn of attention of their too longing testimonies. We yet strive to understand that fellow humans hunger and haunt these swamp lands of scourge and contempt. We yet have seen the engineer or the maker at hand. For our hearts, they too seem to battle our brains. In which we long for that escape. That void, in which we could caress in that we to will know the escape of our wilted limbs.
We hunger, yearn, and call out to the void. Our time nearer or farther than one could beset unto themselves. For our belief be in our own captive minds, that we too must break our shackles of launder goods, and become more of a free thinker than a captive mind in solitary belief.
I could reach to that void, touch it's surface with my fingertips. Those fingers would start a ripple that would scratch the surface of the celestial void that beckons to my eyes like the night sky upon the unyielding velvet moors and shires. In those fleeting moments that void ripples like a bubble that had be touched by the graceful winds, those same winds enveloping my mortal heart. That heart that continues to bellow out the fleeting sounds of life. Only to ponder upon themselves in which they themselves purge the intent of time of their yester-years.
That void close to my heart, but so far from reach I wallow in the pity of the men who have yet to begin to understand the plague of the wicked fathers that spewed bigoted talk of unyielding resentment in their eyes. Filled to the hallowed hollowed hearts that yearn of attention of their too longing testimonies. We yet strive to understand that fellow humans hunger and haunt these swamp lands of scourge and contempt. We yet have seen the engineer or the maker at hand. For our hearts, they too seem to battle our brains. In which we long for that escape. That void, in which we could caress in that we to will know the escape of our wilted limbs.
We hunger, yearn, and call out to the void. Our time nearer or farther than one could beset unto themselves. For our belief be in our own captive minds, that we too must break our shackles of launder goods, and become more of a free thinker than a captive mind in solitary belief.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Happy Holigays
Dear Reader,
Today is the day after New Years. I hope you had the most joyous of Holidays. Regardless of what your holidays consist of I hope it was filled with food, fun, and freedom. Something I feel we all need to be aware of. Ourselves. I wish that your New Years Resolution will be eventful, fun, and something unique to you. I want you to know that I wish you the best of New Years and the most interesting of years. 2012, from the stories I have heard and the post I have seen all over the place. It was a great year for so many folks. Something I was amazed to read and hear. I smiled brightly to know that I helped make some of those Christmases, Hanukkahs, and Kwanzaas great. I was glad to celebrate them with my friends as well.
Christmas is a holiday I celebrate (as does the majority of the world). I don't celebrate it for the religious background behind it, but I continue to celebrate it because the feeling the season gives me and because the feeling I get when I see my family. Growing up it was the single holiday where my families where not being mean to each other and actually came together to be decent to each other. It's the single time I felt "Family" and not bullshit filled with smiles. Which, was most the year with my family.
Growing up I use to always tell my family what I wanted for Christmas. I have friends who still do that, and I just cannot phantom why they do it? I mean, it's nice to know people want to make you happy by getting you what you want. I just really don't want for anything. I honestly have become my Grandmother. I literally yell at people when they spend money on me. There are better things to spend it on than myself, like bills! That's way more important than I. So, when I get something I normally go "Now why did you get me something? I told you I didn't want anything and I don't want for anything." I mean, I accept it because that is the proper thing to do, though I feel awkward doing such. I just want to be with people for the holidays, that's meant more to me now than anything.
My New Years Resolution is to "Find the Next Great Adventure". No matter where or what it is. I'm going to find that single thing in my life that will fuel me for years to come. Rather it be a person or a place. Even an project or community. It's going to be the next great thing I do with my life and I will find it this 2013! Which, is exciting to think about, but I just cannot stop going. I'm that little engine that could or a shooting star. I'm just a little shooting star! I'm happy to know that this will be a fun task to undertake and not like those others New Years Resolutions I have made over the years. This one shall be special.
I was happy to spend the holidays with my loved ones, and even more so to see my Mother. I haven't gotten to see her as much since she moved away and the holidays are the times I get to see her now. I'm sad about this, but she's happy. Which is all that matters. It was just nice that Thanksgiving and Christmas where so close to each other. I'll always love my Mum and that's not gonna change. I just wish I could see her more. Growing up means growing apart but growing together in other ways. We still talk, but I just don't know how I feel about this whole moving away thing. I hate it, but if the person is happy that's all that matters.
I'm also happy that this New Year has been filled with everything I would want so far. So, that's good to think about. It's been only two days long BUT it's grand to know that it hasn't sucked just yet. I hope you all have had that same experience and I also hope you all had the holigays you have wanted. That's what matters most this time of year, doing what you love with or without the folks you love. It's part of the feeling. You are included. Which is grand. I love you all and I wish you the best of New Years.
Tegan Rowan Stryker
Today is the day after New Years. I hope you had the most joyous of Holidays. Regardless of what your holidays consist of I hope it was filled with food, fun, and freedom. Something I feel we all need to be aware of. Ourselves. I wish that your New Years Resolution will be eventful, fun, and something unique to you. I want you to know that I wish you the best of New Years and the most interesting of years. 2012, from the stories I have heard and the post I have seen all over the place. It was a great year for so many folks. Something I was amazed to read and hear. I smiled brightly to know that I helped make some of those Christmases, Hanukkahs, and Kwanzaas great. I was glad to celebrate them with my friends as well.
Christmas is a holiday I celebrate (as does the majority of the world). I don't celebrate it for the religious background behind it, but I continue to celebrate it because the feeling the season gives me and because the feeling I get when I see my family. Growing up it was the single holiday where my families where not being mean to each other and actually came together to be decent to each other. It's the single time I felt "Family" and not bullshit filled with smiles. Which, was most the year with my family.
Growing up I use to always tell my family what I wanted for Christmas. I have friends who still do that, and I just cannot phantom why they do it? I mean, it's nice to know people want to make you happy by getting you what you want. I just really don't want for anything. I honestly have become my Grandmother. I literally yell at people when they spend money on me. There are better things to spend it on than myself, like bills! That's way more important than I. So, when I get something I normally go "Now why did you get me something? I told you I didn't want anything and I don't want for anything." I mean, I accept it because that is the proper thing to do, though I feel awkward doing such. I just want to be with people for the holidays, that's meant more to me now than anything.
My New Years Resolution is to "Find the Next Great Adventure". No matter where or what it is. I'm going to find that single thing in my life that will fuel me for years to come. Rather it be a person or a place. Even an project or community. It's going to be the next great thing I do with my life and I will find it this 2013! Which, is exciting to think about, but I just cannot stop going. I'm that little engine that could or a shooting star. I'm just a little shooting star! I'm happy to know that this will be a fun task to undertake and not like those others New Years Resolutions I have made over the years. This one shall be special.
I was happy to spend the holidays with my loved ones, and even more so to see my Mother. I haven't gotten to see her as much since she moved away and the holidays are the times I get to see her now. I'm sad about this, but she's happy. Which is all that matters. It was just nice that Thanksgiving and Christmas where so close to each other. I'll always love my Mum and that's not gonna change. I just wish I could see her more. Growing up means growing apart but growing together in other ways. We still talk, but I just don't know how I feel about this whole moving away thing. I hate it, but if the person is happy that's all that matters.
I'm also happy that this New Year has been filled with everything I would want so far. So, that's good to think about. It's been only two days long BUT it's grand to know that it hasn't sucked just yet. I hope you all have had that same experience and I also hope you all had the holigays you have wanted. That's what matters most this time of year, doing what you love with or without the folks you love. It's part of the feeling. You are included. Which is grand. I love you all and I wish you the best of New Years.
Tegan Rowan Stryker
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