"Goin' Round this Roundabout."

An another day come and gone.  I'm reflecting on all the things my life consist of and how much better they get daily. I currently have two people in my life that if I did not have; I really don't know what I would have done two months ago.  Having them in my life is just made everything so much better on so many levels.  I can genuinely say I love them to death because of what they have done for me.  My main concern at the moment is that I think I am getting close to them.  I'm very very scared of getting close to them.  We have grown so close in the past three months but I don't want them to get close to me and then leave like everyone else does. 

    They are amazing people, that's something I hope to not lose in my life.  If not for them, I'd never have gotten through hard times.  I'm just scared that they are going to get close to me, realise what I monster I once was and be scared off.  I'm not that person anymore, but my past still is one of my greatest fallacies.  I'm not one to dwell on the past but when it catches up to me; I'm usually the one who pays for the things I did.  I haven't ran from it in the longest time, and I think the closet is having less and less skeletons in it. 

    I just want to be known for whom I am know and not who I was when I was younger.  I've made waves and atoned for the things in my past.  Luckily, I believe these people think more of me because I am willing to admit my past is what it once was.  I use to be a heavy cocaine user from the age of 14-16; roughly about 3 years.  If it wasn't for someone dear I wouldn't have gotten better.  It's thoughts like that; that scare me because of who I once was.  I did horrible things for drugs, to get that fix.  Yet, I battled and bested the demon.  Why do I feel I have to keep hiding from it? 

     It's moments that I really miss "My Favourite Ghost".  I haven't talked to him in a positive tone in about three months.  I miss him dearly, and I am sorry about the mess we have become.  Sometimes, things just cannot be fixed.  I'm going to stop beating this horse.  It's because of him, that becoming close to someone now, just seems like a waste of time.  I'm not one to have enemies, and I never thought he would be one.  Honestly, I love him.  I want him to know that.

Turn-Tables.

"As we emerge from the Muck and the Mire; We're gonna set their champagne god on fire." - Say Anything.

I really don't know how to start this one. Personally, I've been a person in a world lately that is just POSITIVE.  So, positive that it's complimenting my lifestyle in the best of trends.  Except for this single day a year where I just get so down and depressed.  It's odd to think that a single date can hold so much pain for a single person ya know?  So, not many people know the story of Jimmy and I actually.  I think I would like to share it with you.

  So, where do I actually begin to be honest.  Oh! I guess we'll go from the moment we actually met eyes.  I remember the day very well.  It was a humid June day in 2005. Jimmy Kawazowa was just then this little 22 year old boy sitting on the floor reading his favourite Manga (Yubasaki Milk Tea) in the Manga section of Barnes and Nobles on the Levee in Newport.  His dusty brown hair was all you saw as he sat on the ground in the aisle.  I remember this day more so for what happened next.  I decided that I would wear my amazing hi-top Chuck Taylors (Note: when I was younger I could never get them to stay tied; so the strings usually became just strings dragging along the ground in accompaniment to my foot steps.)  Which, is why what happened next... happened.  Basically, while walking through the aisle I stepped on my opposite foots strings, went to take a step, and blam.... feel right on top of Jimmy.  Yeah, I'm a walking klutz.  Falling right on top of him (and I was heavier when I was younger too).  I rushed to my knees and start spouting out "I'm sooooo sorry. Very sorry! Please, are you okay?" and in that single second Jimmy grabbed my t-shirt and pulled me close.  Slamming our lips together and then pulling away he spoke for the first time to me. His soft voice sang out "You come on strong don't cha?" and I just start failing my arms "Oh my... no no no! Not what I was trying to do! I'm so sorry!" and then he started to chuckle at me..  I finally get out "What is so funny?"; my single thought was "Why did a complete stranger kiss me?"  He patted me on the head and giggled and finally escaped the words from his lips "Your face is absolutely the most adorable thing when you are taken by surprised." and I know I was as red as a rose from his words.  He then stood up and reached out his hand and helped me to my feet and said "Why don't we go get something to eat? My treat!" and I still in shock just nodded my head.  He took me to eat Mitchel's Fish Market that day.  I remember that I had the best Rainbow Trout in my life.  Pristine.

I found that spending time with him would be getting addictive from that day; I would not leave his side for months. From him I would stay to the path and not stray a bit. Jimmy kept me in checks and balances within his ever soft and loving grip.  I was tangle in a web and he made sure I was comfortable there.  I was in a whirlwind in which I was hoping to go under the tide that came with it.  I remember our first date like it was yesterday, his smile sent shivers down my spine that night when he opened to car door of his Blue/Grey shimmer painted Buick Skylark and helped me get in. I was grinning from ear to ear because no boy had done this for me. It was very much liked; it would be from this that my high expectations would probably never be met again. He took me to a nice dinner and a movie that night.  My ideal date…he asked me what it would be and I replied happily            “May we go to dinner and a movie?” He giggled at my innocence and gave his answer as            “Your wish is my command, my dear!” I very much enjoyed the night. Our dinner was at this nice place called “Mitchell’s Fish Market”; it was close to our homes and was very widely known of the great seafood dishes it made.  I was all dolled up for my date; this would be the first date I would go out as a female. I felt so free and right.  I would never forget the compliment I got when I walked out the front door and Jimmy smiled at me, whistled and spoke            “Wow, babe, you look fabulous, I am happy to say that I am taking you out to show off.”  I blushing bright red; I know it.  See, you’re probably thinking about when Jimmy learned about me and my ordeal with Gender Identity. Well to be honest, when we went out for dinner our first time before we were “Official” I told him I had feelings that I was not in the right body. He strongly urged me to go for what I felt comfortable and he would support me in that. He did not care if I was boy or girl, as long as he could have me. That ladies and gentlemen would be the most unsung song on my teen years.  For the first time in my life, I was happy.  Cause the thought of him made me skip around and sings songs.            The night ending in what I would call the fieriest, passionate, and most arousing sex I had ever partaken in.  The feeling of my dress hiked up and Jimmy’s flesh on top of mine, his pelvis thrusting into mine in a symphony among symphonies.  His dress shirt clutched in my hands, my back hiking up more and more, and the moans escaping my mouth. The sweat from our skin lathered upon the back seat and steam from our conjoined efforts made the outside seem foggier than normal.  In and out of my body making me lust for me.  I wanted his all, he gave it to me.  We had become one, and with that night, we fell in love.  I gave him my all and I was fulfilled more than ever.  He caressed my body in his soft lengthy arms, kissed my forehead, and sang to me.  My head nuzzled in his chest, breathing in his sultry smell of Adidas deodorant and sweat.  I kissed his chest, falling into a fairytale, not wanting to leave the one I was in. - Excerpt from "Crash Queen Diaries"

    That's really how the best three years of my life began.  We started dating a week later actually.  Though, I really never thought he would stay around when he discovered the horrid things I had in my life at the time.  Though, Jimmy helped me best those beast and become somewhat of a tame person.  To be honest, if it wasn't for Jimmy; I'd either be six feet under from a Overdose or just a horrid little person.  Jimmy actually stayed up many nights with me when I was coming off the drugs.  I would literally become sick from the lack of Cocaine not in my system.  I would also so the most outrageous horrible things a person could say.  Jimmy was never quick or rash though. He'd sit me down and talk to me about these things. Telling me why I shouldn't say them or why I shouldn't do the things I do.  In roughly six months he had me clean and happy.  We would move into together from that day on.  We had this very pretty brick house on Fairfield Avenue in Bellevue.  We had a really good "American Dream" you could say.  Jimmy really tried to give me the best things, which honestly he was the only thing I needed to get through my days.

    I never told him but when we where dating; about a year into our relationship I told myself "One day, I'm going to be his wife."  So, you could imagine my happiness when on our Third anniversary Jimmy took me to "Paliminos" at Tower Plaza downtown.  We had this amazing beautiful candle light dinner and this amazing King Crab.  Melting right in your mouth; so juicy!  The dinner was just something that one could happily say they had once in their lifetime.  Finally, we where just sitting and laughing at the table.  Jimmy would tell the corniest jokes just because he knew them!  He stood up and walked over to me and knelt down on his knees and from his blazer produced a black velvet box.  Putting it closer to me he opened it and smiled widely; though he was a white as a ghost at this point.  In the box was this simply amazing wrap around ring that was free-form. It was a little key with a heart at the end and the other side was just a key end.  He spoke softly, his words vibrated "Tegan, would you do the honor and accept this key to my heart? I want you to make me the happiest man in the world."  I burst out in tears.  Rolling down my face, my mascara just flowing off my cheeks to my chin.  I grabbed his collar to his shirt and threw my face to his and just clasped our lips together and said "You sure come on strong don't cha!" and he screamed out "SHE SAID YES!" and everyone clapped for us.

Community Building... Me.

One of the hardest things I have had to cope with as of late is how I reflect upon myself.  Growing up I was absolutely a horrid child who absolutely deserved what I got.  When I was 18, I had a pivotal moment when everything came down to whether I was going to regress into the horrid child I had once been or if I was going to move forward.  This moment, brought me to a point when I wanted to be a person who was caring, gentle, kind heart, but also able to live as free as my hair.  Luckily, I have done just that and kept that promise I made to someone dear.  Looking back I see all the things I did that where in my mind bad.  So, when I get a compliment or am treated in a positive light. I have a hard time accepting it.  Lately, I have just been bombarded with so many compliments about myself as well as the work I do.  That I am readjusting how positive affects me personally.
   Lately, people have been more open to me.  In the sense that people in my community have gotten to know me so much more.  It's absolutely been a blast getting to know these people as well as taking time to grow relationships with them.  This has been the biggest social movement my life has had.  I know a shit ton of people and I LOVE IT!  I was never a popular person in school, I know it was because I was someone who lived outside the norm.  It's accepted with the people I know now and that's caused me to have this idea that what once was, was not proper at all. So, in my mind I have to do a 180... every time this situation arises.  Which, can be a little hectic when you think about how much of an internal conflict I have with this.
    If it was not for the people I have in my life right now, I wouldn't be able to get up in the morning. They are so positive to me, give me the confidence I need, as well make being a the person I am really worth it.  Sometimes, being genderqueer is really hard because you don't really fit in anyway, you literally jump about the spectrum like it's no bodies business.  As that makes sense for me, it does not for most people.  So, luckily I can be the "Car-Crash" I am but also get up in the morning and live my life!
    Last night we went to a local bar called "Arlin's" and everyone wanted to talk and spend time with me.  That's soooooo odd to me.  Only because I am not use to it.  It's slowly built to this level but still.  It's just something that creeper up and got the best of me.  These people I have are just amazing, each with their own tales and lives.  Experiences and trials.  I wouldn't trade who they are for anything, because it's because they are who they are makes them worthwhile.  They make life exciting and make my work really worth it.  It's nice to be growing and have them there for me.  I cannot wait to have this feeling get easier to accept, because I am ready to become a better person for them as well as myself.

Teganing and How To?

Teganing (Verb) - Means to be hanging out with Tegan (aka myself).  I know you are going "What?"  Honestly, this was my initial feeling about this.  Oddly enough, I was told I could not be able Tegan because... I was Tegan.  This made me very sadface.  I actually called this blog "Teganing" because a group of friends got together and decided that I should be a verb.  First off, this delighted me on so many levels.  It came at an interesting time as well.  I'm a "Grammar Nazi", many people know this.  I wholly dislike the idea of not being able to both speak and write proper English when you go to public school to learn just how to do that.  Secondly, with the past month being behind me (it being a really rough month for myself).  I decided that it's a positive thing when people like to hang out with you and actually be friends.  Growing up, many of the friends I had always where "Out for themselves".  So, I rarely had real friendship.  It's nice to be able to feel... accepted.  Especially when you think it's very hard for you to be accepted because you are not even like the community you want to belong too.
    I'm a Genderqueer/Genderfluid/Non-Gender Conforming person.  I do not even fall into the categories along the spectrum.  They really don't know how much it means to me to be able to be a verb that other people made up.  For that I love them.  It's conflicting as a person, whom with my experiences to understand how it came about and even the fact that people can talk about me (and in a very positive attitude).  I was even deemed as a "Popular Kid" in our community. Which, that's even more... sketchy to myself. I was never popular growing up and suddenly in the past year. I have the biggest personal life I could ask for!  It's just amazing.
    Okay, now I know I have two blogs "The Gender Agenda" and this one "Teganing".  The point of these two are that the "The Gender Agenda" is where I will put my more analytic pieces and this one "Teganing" will be a more personal "Day to Day" type of subject matter.  So, I hope you enjoy these types of things.  I know I do!

~Tegs