Something I never really get to talk about is myself. Yeah, I know I get to talk about myself about all my achievements. The sad thing is I never get to talk about my daily life. Doesn't matter where I go and the people I know. I just seem to be meant to just hear everyone's problems and help them. That is perfectly okay though, I love everyone and I love to help them. It's just become overwhelming to me in places. All my friends use myself as a problem solver or someone to vent too. My family, come to me with their problems because they need to have a clear point of view on their issues. People just flock to me for help to the point that I cannot help all of them. That bugs me. I am loved by so many folks and that bugs me even more. If I fuck up, that's someone's life I fuck up. That's not an option.
I've come to the terms that I have to find community that doesn't pour their problems onto me. Only because I have to have some place to vent as well. It's not fair to use my partner for this, I know they expect me to do this. I just cannot see myself doing it. Plus, they have their own issues and I don't want to add to that. I kinda just want a friend who is stable, not really looking for help, and willing to listen. In a perfect world that would be all of us. I mean, I have a grand deal going on in my life. It's almost crazy that a year and half ago I couldn't list three things I had going for me. Now, I am working on two groups, going and doing presentations, and finally doing my own other projects. I've just been recruited for another project tonight that I couldn't say no too. I don't want to say no because I like it. I don't need to say no. I should do what I enjoy. I enjoy all the things I am doing at the moment. I've finally got a purpose to the point that I want to be the most I can be. I want to be happier. This is doing that. You have to understand that in this Trans* community there are really only two people that are readily available to deal with everyone. Other folks have their lives, and I support them. This is my life, and I live it. I help people out everyday. That's my life. I love it. I just wish I could have someone help me out. I want to be more able to be at peace with myself.
My partner is going through a bad time at the moment. I really am upset that I do not know what to say to her. I really love her, and she deserves to know that. She's very much more inspirational to myself than I think she actually understands. In the short time I have known her and dated her I can say I love her because she is who she is. She is stronger than she thinks. I wish I could make everything that goes bad for her. I wish I could make that good, only because she's been there for me so MUCH more than I think she knows. The fact I get to talk to her in a day makes me more happier. It's kinda like that tunnel I am in has an amazing light at the end of it. I don't normally write these about folks. I just want her to know that I am here for her, that I care about her, and that I will be the person she needs more now than ever.
I shouldn't be fearful, but I am. Only because I am scared of what I will look like in the end. Only because I want to know what this all is going to amount too. I am scared that every person's life I have touched and every person's problem I have solved is going to make a bit of difference. I do not do it for the recognition. I really just do it for the fact that I can see someone happier than I. Someone that knows that someone loves them for who they are. It's fearful to know that I did not have that growing up. I want to be fierce. I want to be the one that makes it all better. We shouldn't have to wait on it to be better... It really should just be better already.
~Tegan
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