Gentlelady,
Sometimes, it comes a point in time where a term cannot asset you. A word cannot define you, and you just have no control over the words the world uses to describe yourself. This is why I have taken to coin a term that I would like to associate, a word that I can mold into who I am. Why you ask? Only because, a person like myself deserves a term to empower them to be who they are! I feel that "Genderqueer" is a term that means so much to me already that it's lost the ability to contain me. I have the most queer of lifestyles that I have to move up a bracket. "Gentlelady" is that. Well at least to myself. I'm tired to connecting to a word everyone else does. Only because I am unique as everyone else is. Words are just words and seemingly knowing this I had to best it. I'm a go getter! Sitting idle is not a thing I can stand too. "Gentlelady" says that and so much more. It means I am soft hearted and loving. That I am brave and bold. I've taken a "Man's" term... and adopted it and fit it to who I am. I am sweet, soft, bold, brash, radical, and ready for the world. I am steadfast. Caring. I am helpful. I am Tegan. "Gentlelady" says that... and again. So much more. I'm a huge geek, I love to talk about anything. I love sports and getting rough. I love to be clean and dirty. I'm humourous, and sly. I'm shy and outgoing. I'm a klutz and made for better days. I'm going to best the world. "Gentlelady" says that!
To move up, and graduate into who you are. You need an internal revolution. A movement that you can use as a testament of your legacy. No one will ever understand what it means to be who you are unless you let them. How do you make them understand you? YOU shove it in their face and hold it firm. You let them know that you exist and you are a person. With feelings, friends, family, and fears. You are an obstacle to overcome, a building to be built as a monument to yourself. You must remember that you are a person. To be who you are is a movement. This is something we all must remember. We are not just a word, we are a person. Which we have to build into a word. A word must not conform us. It must conform to us. We never let go, and hang tight. We are strong, we are steadfast, we are relentless, we are people. "Gentlelady", now that says that.
~Tegan Rowan "Gentlelady" Stryker
Monday, December 17, 2012
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Fierce and Fearful
Something I never really get to talk about is myself. Yeah, I know I get to talk about myself about all my achievements. The sad thing is I never get to talk about my daily life. Doesn't matter where I go and the people I know. I just seem to be meant to just hear everyone's problems and help them. That is perfectly okay though, I love everyone and I love to help them. It's just become overwhelming to me in places. All my friends use myself as a problem solver or someone to vent too. My family, come to me with their problems because they need to have a clear point of view on their issues. People just flock to me for help to the point that I cannot help all of them. That bugs me. I am loved by so many folks and that bugs me even more. If I fuck up, that's someone's life I fuck up. That's not an option.
I've come to the terms that I have to find community that doesn't pour their problems onto me. Only because I have to have some place to vent as well. It's not fair to use my partner for this, I know they expect me to do this. I just cannot see myself doing it. Plus, they have their own issues and I don't want to add to that. I kinda just want a friend who is stable, not really looking for help, and willing to listen. In a perfect world that would be all of us. I mean, I have a grand deal going on in my life. It's almost crazy that a year and half ago I couldn't list three things I had going for me. Now, I am working on two groups, going and doing presentations, and finally doing my own other projects. I've just been recruited for another project tonight that I couldn't say no too. I don't want to say no because I like it. I don't need to say no. I should do what I enjoy. I enjoy all the things I am doing at the moment. I've finally got a purpose to the point that I want to be the most I can be. I want to be happier. This is doing that. You have to understand that in this Trans* community there are really only two people that are readily available to deal with everyone. Other folks have their lives, and I support them. This is my life, and I live it. I help people out everyday. That's my life. I love it. I just wish I could have someone help me out. I want to be more able to be at peace with myself.
My partner is going through a bad time at the moment. I really am upset that I do not know what to say to her. I really love her, and she deserves to know that. She's very much more inspirational to myself than I think she actually understands. In the short time I have known her and dated her I can say I love her because she is who she is. She is stronger than she thinks. I wish I could make everything that goes bad for her. I wish I could make that good, only because she's been there for me so MUCH more than I think she knows. The fact I get to talk to her in a day makes me more happier. It's kinda like that tunnel I am in has an amazing light at the end of it. I don't normally write these about folks. I just want her to know that I am here for her, that I care about her, and that I will be the person she needs more now than ever.
I shouldn't be fearful, but I am. Only because I am scared of what I will look like in the end. Only because I want to know what this all is going to amount too. I am scared that every person's life I have touched and every person's problem I have solved is going to make a bit of difference. I do not do it for the recognition. I really just do it for the fact that I can see someone happier than I. Someone that knows that someone loves them for who they are. It's fearful to know that I did not have that growing up. I want to be fierce. I want to be the one that makes it all better. We shouldn't have to wait on it to be better... It really should just be better already.
~Tegan
I've come to the terms that I have to find community that doesn't pour their problems onto me. Only because I have to have some place to vent as well. It's not fair to use my partner for this, I know they expect me to do this. I just cannot see myself doing it. Plus, they have their own issues and I don't want to add to that. I kinda just want a friend who is stable, not really looking for help, and willing to listen. In a perfect world that would be all of us. I mean, I have a grand deal going on in my life. It's almost crazy that a year and half ago I couldn't list three things I had going for me. Now, I am working on two groups, going and doing presentations, and finally doing my own other projects. I've just been recruited for another project tonight that I couldn't say no too. I don't want to say no because I like it. I don't need to say no. I should do what I enjoy. I enjoy all the things I am doing at the moment. I've finally got a purpose to the point that I want to be the most I can be. I want to be happier. This is doing that. You have to understand that in this Trans* community there are really only two people that are readily available to deal with everyone. Other folks have their lives, and I support them. This is my life, and I live it. I help people out everyday. That's my life. I love it. I just wish I could have someone help me out. I want to be more able to be at peace with myself.
My partner is going through a bad time at the moment. I really am upset that I do not know what to say to her. I really love her, and she deserves to know that. She's very much more inspirational to myself than I think she actually understands. In the short time I have known her and dated her I can say I love her because she is who she is. She is stronger than she thinks. I wish I could make everything that goes bad for her. I wish I could make that good, only because she's been there for me so MUCH more than I think she knows. The fact I get to talk to her in a day makes me more happier. It's kinda like that tunnel I am in has an amazing light at the end of it. I don't normally write these about folks. I just want her to know that I am here for her, that I care about her, and that I will be the person she needs more now than ever.
I shouldn't be fearful, but I am. Only because I am scared of what I will look like in the end. Only because I want to know what this all is going to amount too. I am scared that every person's life I have touched and every person's problem I have solved is going to make a bit of difference. I do not do it for the recognition. I really just do it for the fact that I can see someone happier than I. Someone that knows that someone loves them for who they are. It's fearful to know that I did not have that growing up. I want to be fierce. I want to be the one that makes it all better. We shouldn't have to wait on it to be better... It really should just be better already.
~Tegan
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
A Letter Sent Yesterday
Dear old Tegan,
I am writing you from eight years in the future. I know, I know. It's scary to believe we would make it this far, at this point in your life you're scared shitless and not really knowing where to go. I know you are probably wondering "What do I accomplish?" or "What is life like for me now?" I am going to tell you that the beginning of this journey you are undertaking is going to be rough as hell and mind fucking at the same time. You're going to learn that being who you are is all you really have to yourself. Though, you are never going to believe where that gets you. You are going to be the most pivotal person in so many folks lives and you are going to make so much change that you yourself will contemplate and reflect like crazy.
You know how you are saying all the time "I want to crash my body like a plane." Well guess what? You get tired of that very quickly and you even meet someone who is going to help you get over that nasty little habit you have (though, you almost die twice from it, you never give up on living). You are going to see more of the world than you ever deem fit and you are also going to make sure that you remember everything in your life (apparently, somewhere down the line we become obsessed with documenting our life. It gets kinda awesome by the way). You are going to meet some of the most interesting folks this side of the planet and live as passionately as you deem fit. Tegan, we are going to make up a Motto when we are 21 and even start a new lifestyle when we are 23. I'm going to let you find out when and where this happens but they are magical.
That habit we have of putting people down and being a socially unaccepted person. Yeah, let's just say that you kinda become really famous and loved by hundreds of folks. You'll actually start walking into rooms and going "I'm Tegan Rowan Stryker" and people will respect you. Cool, eh? It won't be immediate and you will work fucking hard as hell to get there. Did I mention that at a single point we become less chaotic and actually start shaping ourselves into someone who we actually like? We do. You're going to love it when it happens. You're going to actually change the inclusion policies at Dixie soon too. That feeling you get in your gut before you speak... start fucking listening to it. If you start now, maybe just maybe we will finally learn what and how to say things that are appropriate to say. ALSO! We lose the desire to type "lyke dis". It's really for the best to just learn to type and write properly now. It's going to make it all better.
Book a show at the Mad Frog as soon as you can and make sure that you do it right. People are going to kinda remember that show and your legacy starts there. Remember to always thank those who help you and build better relationships. It's going to seem for the longest time you are going to be unaccepted but one day you really stop caring and it just skyrockets to the moon from there. You are going to become somewhat of a Wine expert and Party person. It's for the best that your really hone your skills because you start given advice on how to be a functioning drunk at 21. You really get talented with that one...
Remember the first time you put on a dress and felt pretty? You are going to one day walk right out that door, head held high, high heels on, make up'd all pretty and soon plastered and people will actually assume you female. It's hard to believe that. Remember how embarrassing it was at first. Later, you just do your own thing and just make it work for the best! You are just going to see things through a different way than most people, and that scares them. Not you though, you will become nonyielding passionate, and caring. Hard to believe that Mother actually calls you "Soft-hearted" in a few years. Always an angry soul we thought we would be.
Do your best at school and start loving it. One day you are going to miss the days in those hall ways and miss the people you never speak to anymore. You're going to outgrow so much because you grow up so fast. You're going to lose all that weight, become an amazing Trumpet player, and even break 200 (You'll know in due time). You get to see the Miracle Mile, Amsterdam, Paris, and England. You get to kiss in the English rain and dance in the morning light on the cliffs of Cork, Ireland! You're going to memorize languages and slang. People will think you quite an odd person. It's okay though, you've earned it.
Make up, remember how hard it was to put it on the first time, and even harder how it just seemed to go everywhere. What if I told you, you become like a pro at putting that shit on and even start giving advice! It's amazing all the things we just don't understand at this moment. They become kinda just part of you in a point. You stop questioning why you do things and just... do them.
"I look back on where I am from, look at the woman I've become, and the strangest things seem suddenly routine!" - Hedwig
Don't and please don't follow trends. You make some poor trend choices at 17 that you really just shouldn't. Dyke Spikes are totes not your thing. Though, you look good, you are more of a long hair kinda gal. I won't lie. We are still not on hormones, but that really doesn't stop you. In fact, after you turn 22. You find out something KINDA fucking amazing and you just run with it. Oh, let's just say you REALLY start to hate "Binaries". Start learning about Gender Theory now. Maybe that means by time we are 20. This fucking presentation will be done and over with and you will be famous. I'm still working on that aspect! Oh, you know how you are really bad at math right now? Let's just say that "Googleplex" kinda becomes something you never tire of calculating. You actually calculate it over 50 times for one paper. 50! That's crazy but fun!
You are going to get engaged twice... TWICE! I know, kinda a big thing for someone like us. We find amazing people who we fall deeply in love with. One of them is going to change the person you are now into the person I am today. You're going to love that journey. Every time you see his face, you better tell him you love him. You better hold on to him tighter than you will ever hold anyone again. He's going to make you more proud of who you are than I can ever speak or spell.
A few things you should be ready to know:
Tegan Rowan Stryker
I am writing you from eight years in the future. I know, I know. It's scary to believe we would make it this far, at this point in your life you're scared shitless and not really knowing where to go. I know you are probably wondering "What do I accomplish?" or "What is life like for me now?" I am going to tell you that the beginning of this journey you are undertaking is going to be rough as hell and mind fucking at the same time. You're going to learn that being who you are is all you really have to yourself. Though, you are never going to believe where that gets you. You are going to be the most pivotal person in so many folks lives and you are going to make so much change that you yourself will contemplate and reflect like crazy.
You know how you are saying all the time "I want to crash my body like a plane." Well guess what? You get tired of that very quickly and you even meet someone who is going to help you get over that nasty little habit you have (though, you almost die twice from it, you never give up on living). You are going to see more of the world than you ever deem fit and you are also going to make sure that you remember everything in your life (apparently, somewhere down the line we become obsessed with documenting our life. It gets kinda awesome by the way). You are going to meet some of the most interesting folks this side of the planet and live as passionately as you deem fit. Tegan, we are going to make up a Motto when we are 21 and even start a new lifestyle when we are 23. I'm going to let you find out when and where this happens but they are magical.
That habit we have of putting people down and being a socially unaccepted person. Yeah, let's just say that you kinda become really famous and loved by hundreds of folks. You'll actually start walking into rooms and going "I'm Tegan Rowan Stryker" and people will respect you. Cool, eh? It won't be immediate and you will work fucking hard as hell to get there. Did I mention that at a single point we become less chaotic and actually start shaping ourselves into someone who we actually like? We do. You're going to love it when it happens. You're going to actually change the inclusion policies at Dixie soon too. That feeling you get in your gut before you speak... start fucking listening to it. If you start now, maybe just maybe we will finally learn what and how to say things that are appropriate to say. ALSO! We lose the desire to type "lyke dis". It's really for the best to just learn to type and write properly now. It's going to make it all better.
Book a show at the Mad Frog as soon as you can and make sure that you do it right. People are going to kinda remember that show and your legacy starts there. Remember to always thank those who help you and build better relationships. It's going to seem for the longest time you are going to be unaccepted but one day you really stop caring and it just skyrockets to the moon from there. You are going to become somewhat of a Wine expert and Party person. It's for the best that your really hone your skills because you start given advice on how to be a functioning drunk at 21. You really get talented with that one...
Remember the first time you put on a dress and felt pretty? You are going to one day walk right out that door, head held high, high heels on, make up'd all pretty and soon plastered and people will actually assume you female. It's hard to believe that. Remember how embarrassing it was at first. Later, you just do your own thing and just make it work for the best! You are just going to see things through a different way than most people, and that scares them. Not you though, you will become nonyielding passionate, and caring. Hard to believe that Mother actually calls you "Soft-hearted" in a few years. Always an angry soul we thought we would be.
Do your best at school and start loving it. One day you are going to miss the days in those hall ways and miss the people you never speak to anymore. You're going to outgrow so much because you grow up so fast. You're going to lose all that weight, become an amazing Trumpet player, and even break 200 (You'll know in due time). You get to see the Miracle Mile, Amsterdam, Paris, and England. You get to kiss in the English rain and dance in the morning light on the cliffs of Cork, Ireland! You're going to memorize languages and slang. People will think you quite an odd person. It's okay though, you've earned it.
Make up, remember how hard it was to put it on the first time, and even harder how it just seemed to go everywhere. What if I told you, you become like a pro at putting that shit on and even start giving advice! It's amazing all the things we just don't understand at this moment. They become kinda just part of you in a point. You stop questioning why you do things and just... do them.
"I look back on where I am from, look at the woman I've become, and the strangest things seem suddenly routine!" - Hedwig
Don't and please don't follow trends. You make some poor trend choices at 17 that you really just shouldn't. Dyke Spikes are totes not your thing. Though, you look good, you are more of a long hair kinda gal. I won't lie. We are still not on hormones, but that really doesn't stop you. In fact, after you turn 22. You find out something KINDA fucking amazing and you just run with it. Oh, let's just say you REALLY start to hate "Binaries". Start learning about Gender Theory now. Maybe that means by time we are 20. This fucking presentation will be done and over with and you will be famous. I'm still working on that aspect! Oh, you know how you are really bad at math right now? Let's just say that "Googleplex" kinda becomes something you never tire of calculating. You actually calculate it over 50 times for one paper. 50! That's crazy but fun!
You are going to get engaged twice... TWICE! I know, kinda a big thing for someone like us. We find amazing people who we fall deeply in love with. One of them is going to change the person you are now into the person I am today. You're going to love that journey. Every time you see his face, you better tell him you love him. You better hold on to him tighter than you will ever hold anyone again. He's going to make you more proud of who you are than I can ever speak or spell.
A few things you should be ready to know:
- Learn to run in high heels... you are not going to like what follows you
- Love like you are going to never love again
- Think passionately, talk gently
- Red lipstick is a poor choice
- Breath when it seems the worst
- Remember the taste
- Learn German sooner!
- Always keep that ring close
- It doesn't kill you, I promise
- Laugh like you're gonna die young.
Tegan Rowan Stryker
Friday, November 23, 2012
Dinner Parties and Casual Conversations
Most folks go home and enjoy a meal with their family without any type of hiccups or other mishaps. Some of us spend the holiday alone. Some of us dread going to see our families. Some of us love to see our chosen families. All I know that folks have an idea of how the holiday should be spent and go to great lengths to have it go smoothly. Though, what's really interesting is that we never reflect on the conversations we have. Casual or not, the conversations you have over dinner could be the most life-altering conversations people could have. Myself, I feel absolutely amazing when I have a conversation at a holiday nowadays.
Being trans* is a whole jumble of everything you could imagine. Though, how you play the cards you are dealt means you are going to surely persevere in the MOST amazing ways. Though, when we eat dinner with our family (chosen or not). You have more interesting conversations because the things Trans* people view as a privilege to have, most CIS gendered folks take it for granted because they have had the privileges they have had all their lives. Myself I feel most happy to be able to have a conversations with my family and be who I am. That's the most touching thing I can honestly imagine! I can talk about sports, current events, and even rather random things. I can also do my rants about gender and privilege. My family, kinda just looks at me and go "Okay, that's you and we love who you are. So we are going to incorporate that into our lives." They do. It's pleasant to know that they are just that awesome.
I know most people who are Trans* don't get to have that privilege, and that makes me very sad to know that I was given such a wonderful life. I hate it because I want to be able to connect to everyone and know what that is like, ya know? I love those people to death and would give my life to do anything for them, because they really are the unsung heroes of this Genderation. So, I want them to know that! I want them to know that even though they are having a horrible time with family or friends that I love them. I am here for them. I am fighting daily to ensure that they are having a life worth leading. Folks, it takes time but before I die we are going to finally have a place in this world. I ensure and promise this!
Being trans* is a whole jumble of everything you could imagine. Though, how you play the cards you are dealt means you are going to surely persevere in the MOST amazing ways. Though, when we eat dinner with our family (chosen or not). You have more interesting conversations because the things Trans* people view as a privilege to have, most CIS gendered folks take it for granted because they have had the privileges they have had all their lives. Myself I feel most happy to be able to have a conversations with my family and be who I am. That's the most touching thing I can honestly imagine! I can talk about sports, current events, and even rather random things. I can also do my rants about gender and privilege. My family, kinda just looks at me and go "Okay, that's you and we love who you are. So we are going to incorporate that into our lives." They do. It's pleasant to know that they are just that awesome.
I know most people who are Trans* don't get to have that privilege, and that makes me very sad to know that I was given such a wonderful life. I hate it because I want to be able to connect to everyone and know what that is like, ya know? I love those people to death and would give my life to do anything for them, because they really are the unsung heroes of this Genderation. So, I want them to know that! I want them to know that even though they are having a horrible time with family or friends that I love them. I am here for them. I am fighting daily to ensure that they are having a life worth leading. Folks, it takes time but before I die we are going to finally have a place in this world. I ensure and promise this!
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Rules of Being a Heartbreaker
Remember when I mentioned we would dive deeper into my ideal state of dating? Well, I think this is that blog! Only because I actually have become romantically involved with someone on a grander scale than I am use too and I wanted you; my readers to understand how I go about dating. When, in this world the majority of folks are Monogamous. Which, is something I am not because of my experiences have led me to understand things differently than most. That's not saying I am right and those people are wrong or vice versa. I am just stating that my life experiences validate who I am and how I go about my life.
Let us elaborate on Monogamy for a moment. Monogamy is the belief that when you date someone you and that person are exclusive or only date each other. I've been in many a Monogamous relationship and after feeling I was not fulfilled I decided that it wasn't my cup of tea. People who can be Monogamous, I adore you because that makes you feel complete. I at least hope it does. Many folks force themselves into Monogamous relationships for many reasons. Which, if you have to do that to be who you are. By all means; Get it!
Now, we have my belief system. Which recently was brought to light by just the society about me as well as the community I am part of. I like to think that the idea of an open relationship makes perfect sense for many reasons: 1) By human nature, we are not monogamous creatures. Our primal instinct to mate and reproduce is just a key element in our life. It's built into our Genetics. Some of us though do not have this instinct and live fruitful lives. Which our A-sexual friends seem to make great strides without this. Myself, I must have the genetics you didn't get. My sexual drive is higher than most! I like it that way! 2) Monogamous relationships are highly encouraged in religious sects. I cannot agree with this, because it's an organized religion forcing those who follow it's beliefs to mainstream Monogamy and even great make it between "Man" and "Woman". We all know this to be bullshit. As people can marry who they want and fuck who they like.
Ideally an open relationship serves two purposes to myself. It is built to mean that in a relationship if I feel sexually unfulfilled by my partner (which is not their fault at all). I can go seek fulfillment with another sexual partner and come back to them. It's to make sure that I do not become stale with just a single person. It's a "safety net" for both of us. Let's say I have a kink that my partner does not like to indulge in. Not their fault, they just have different sexual preference in which I respect. I just really want to indulge my kink. This means I can do that, and my partner will be okay with it. I would encourage the same thing if they had a kink I was not into. Which, can be the case as well. An open relationship also means that I can seek companionship from another if I do not feel my partner is progressing the way I want a relationship to move. It's a good way to gauge what different people have to offer and who would be best to asset your needs when needed. That way I can leave a relationship with someone and know that they are going to be okay with it because it was open and these are reasons an open relationship exist. I don't feel I could be "Married" to a person for my life. Just because the system of "Marriage" is a system of ownership and oppression to my Female bodied persons. Which is not okay with me. I would though love a "Lifetime Companion" just because to be able to say I can be with someone for my entire life and they are not bound to me through systems of oppression. That's amazing. It's a joint relationship built on trust, love, and growth. Nothing forced.
These are reasons why I ideally would like an "Open Relationship with a Lifetime Companion". That would be the greatest thing. I'm honestly happy I can say I can be happy in a relationship with a person and they can as well. We can have sex with different partners but also have sex with each other in a way that means we are sexual fulfilled. Doesn't that just sound grand?
I do want it understood that I do not mean I would be saying "I want to go out and shag everyone". I would not do that with a partner. Most cases I am sexual fulfilled with my partner and this is just a safety net to ensure that if we become dysfunctional in bed. I can fix that dysfunction and still be with my partner. Sexual preferences are different per person. Thus, the idea of being able to meet someone's sexual needs is an expectation I should never place on someone for it should not be placed on myself. If I do indulge in sexual acts with different persons though, I practice safe sex and do get myself tested regularly just because it's proper to do. It's good to be sexual fun, but safe sex is something I want to stress because of what it means. It means you are safe as well as others.
~ Tegan
Let us elaborate on Monogamy for a moment. Monogamy is the belief that when you date someone you and that person are exclusive or only date each other. I've been in many a Monogamous relationship and after feeling I was not fulfilled I decided that it wasn't my cup of tea. People who can be Monogamous, I adore you because that makes you feel complete. I at least hope it does. Many folks force themselves into Monogamous relationships for many reasons. Which, if you have to do that to be who you are. By all means; Get it!
Now, we have my belief system. Which recently was brought to light by just the society about me as well as the community I am part of. I like to think that the idea of an open relationship makes perfect sense for many reasons: 1) By human nature, we are not monogamous creatures. Our primal instinct to mate and reproduce is just a key element in our life. It's built into our Genetics. Some of us though do not have this instinct and live fruitful lives. Which our A-sexual friends seem to make great strides without this. Myself, I must have the genetics you didn't get. My sexual drive is higher than most! I like it that way! 2) Monogamous relationships are highly encouraged in religious sects. I cannot agree with this, because it's an organized religion forcing those who follow it's beliefs to mainstream Monogamy and even great make it between "Man" and "Woman". We all know this to be bullshit. As people can marry who they want and fuck who they like.
Ideally an open relationship serves two purposes to myself. It is built to mean that in a relationship if I feel sexually unfulfilled by my partner (which is not their fault at all). I can go seek fulfillment with another sexual partner and come back to them. It's to make sure that I do not become stale with just a single person. It's a "safety net" for both of us. Let's say I have a kink that my partner does not like to indulge in. Not their fault, they just have different sexual preference in which I respect. I just really want to indulge my kink. This means I can do that, and my partner will be okay with it. I would encourage the same thing if they had a kink I was not into. Which, can be the case as well. An open relationship also means that I can seek companionship from another if I do not feel my partner is progressing the way I want a relationship to move. It's a good way to gauge what different people have to offer and who would be best to asset your needs when needed. That way I can leave a relationship with someone and know that they are going to be okay with it because it was open and these are reasons an open relationship exist. I don't feel I could be "Married" to a person for my life. Just because the system of "Marriage" is a system of ownership and oppression to my Female bodied persons. Which is not okay with me. I would though love a "Lifetime Companion" just because to be able to say I can be with someone for my entire life and they are not bound to me through systems of oppression. That's amazing. It's a joint relationship built on trust, love, and growth. Nothing forced.
These are reasons why I ideally would like an "Open Relationship with a Lifetime Companion". That would be the greatest thing. I'm honestly happy I can say I can be happy in a relationship with a person and they can as well. We can have sex with different partners but also have sex with each other in a way that means we are sexual fulfilled. Doesn't that just sound grand?
I do want it understood that I do not mean I would be saying "I want to go out and shag everyone". I would not do that with a partner. Most cases I am sexual fulfilled with my partner and this is just a safety net to ensure that if we become dysfunctional in bed. I can fix that dysfunction and still be with my partner. Sexual preferences are different per person. Thus, the idea of being able to meet someone's sexual needs is an expectation I should never place on someone for it should not be placed on myself. If I do indulge in sexual acts with different persons though, I practice safe sex and do get myself tested regularly just because it's proper to do. It's good to be sexual fun, but safe sex is something I want to stress because of what it means. It means you are safe as well as others.
~ Tegan
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Election Night from a Queer Agenda
America integrity is something I am proud to say moves forward and builds more and more. My country; this United States of America is something to be had. I have seen on what was November 6th, 2012 the most liberal election in American History. You may be asking what I mean. If you where not watching the elections or ill informed. Sit down, I'm going to give you the jist of it all.
November 6th, 2012 was just not another win in the book of Obama. Oh no! First off, let's talk about the first major win of the night. Tammy Baldwin was elected as the first openly gay Senate seat holder in American history. Tammy Baldwin of course is a Democrat. Which, by all means is surely not surprising. What I love most about this is two things. First off, I saw more woman win seats in both the House of Representatives and the Senate for the first time in history. Surely something that is great. Woman are finally standing up and making sure that they too are having their voices heard. Which being the Feminist I am. I love to see it. Empowering and enduring are these woman on human condition! Now, the fun part: she is openly gay and even that could not hinder her election spirit. She ran a good wholesome campaign might I add. She was really on top of it. It showed and that is what is the greatest thing I have seen.
Another grand thing to happen was that Hawaii elected the first female Asian-American to the Senate. Mazie Hirono was elected and the first Disabled American Female Veteran also to the elected to the House of Representatives! What an historic night for Woman Civil Movement!
Another grand thing to happen was that Hawaii elected the first female Asian-American to the Senate. Mazie Hirono was elected and the first Disabled American Female Veteran also to the elected to the House of Representatives! What an historic night for Woman Civil Movement!
What else happened? Well, let's talk about how both Missouri and Massachusetts had representatives win Senate seats. Which was great because they where pivotal states that democrats needed to win to gain a Major Senate Majority. So, yes. The democratic party again holds Senate house Majority. We have not held that for two years now.
Another grand thing that happened! All four states that had same-sex marriage on the ballots did in fact pass in all states. Elaborating on that we now have four more states (Maine, Maryland, Minnesota, and Washington State) have passed. A historic shifting of power in open mindedness in these states as well as the first time that Gay Marriage was voted on at the ballot box. Majority of cases like these go through our judicial system. We have options in these United States!
Now something I completely support: Marijuana was voted on for legal sales in the United States. Two states Washington State and Colorado voted on passing bills that made the sale and use of Recreational Marijuana use... legal! With the taxation of this product we will see a bigger income in these states that already do fairly well with revenue in those states. I applaud this change and hope that this now makes this alternative lifestyle something that will be less hindered and more accepted in the future. This gives me hope!
Finally, we have what was the highlight of the night. That single thing we can thank the state of Ohio for. That would be the re-election of our 44th President Barack Obama. Who gave a really great speech about the growth of American infrastructure as well as American independence from outside countries. In all honesty, I would love to see an America that was the 1920s America. A rich fulfilling time filled with growth and independence as well. We where a country that was not dependent on any imports because everything was American made and great in that it was just that. That's a time I would like to see our Economy grow into. Not our 1980s Reaganomics The growth there was greed and it later built what was known as the American Recession. That's why Actors shouldn't build Economic policies. Just saying in my opinion.
An America I love is one that takes care of it's people. One that let's those who love those they deem fit to love and make sure that everyone has a job. One that makes sure that our poor aren't needy or homeless. One that ensures that no gender boundary is a reason to halt ones growth. I hope now that we can let Gay Marriage prosper that maybe, just maybe people like myself. Those who break the binary are allowed to be amazing folks in our "Genderation". I want to see that growth to flourish and allow me to have a Job to support myself and a education because I want one. One that will not tell me that since I cannot determine my Gender, I must suffer. I want to live and be human. Maybe just maybe. I'll see it happen. This America is far in the future. Luckily, I'm going to be able to see it in my life time. I just feel it in my bones.
So, revel in the fact that Obama is our President for four more years. Openly Gay Senators are all the rage and Marijuana can be bought and used for fun in states. Revel in the fact that in four states Gay Marriage is winning wars and building families. Revel in the fact that we are changing and growing. Revel in the ability to live. Be who you wish to be.
~ Tegan Rowan Stryker
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Life is Grand
This year has been a roller coaster of craziness. If it's not family matters, it's friends. Sometimes, I rarely have time for myself and others I have so much time for myself it's a bore. About six months ago, I really fucked up something really good. I always tell people that I do not have regrets, but for once in my life I really regretting what happened between us. I know you'll probably never read this, but I want the world to know how much you meant to me as a person.
You really had a hold on me. I don't really know what happened between us, and from what I hear from our friends neither do you. I guess it was a draw for us both. The first couple months after we fell out. Those where the hardest months I had to tackle in years. Since Jimmy passed away. I couldn't stand to be in the same room with you, unless I was drunk or high. So high I didn't realise you where there. Slowly though, I tackled that problem. I didn't hardly eat for a few weeks. People yelled at me for not eating. I was a train wreck. I really hated you for it all. I'm sorry for taking it out on myself. I know you wouldn't have wanted me to do that.
After that was all said and done. I dove into my activism work. I swam so deep and fast that I wanted to do nothing more than Activism. Just because I didn't want to think about what had happened between us. I wanted to do nothing but work. Just so I could keep myself occupied with others rather than myself. It wasn't the easiest thing to do, often my mind would wander to you. Thoughts of whether you missed me like I missed you, or even whether you where thinking about me. Stupid thoughts a person like myself normally has. I felt like I had shut down and just kept moving forward. Finally, I got use to the thought of you not being in my life anymore and missing our talks. It had just become a fond memory of Spring.
Here I am now, thinking about us. Only because we are growing up and moving on. Every once in a while we talk. We touch base with our lives and hear about the things each of us is doing. Distant friends we have grown into. At least I can call you a friend again. You know, I never thought we would get to that part. Maybe some day we'll have that talk I want. That talk where I can tell you this all in person and let you know how much I really hated how things turned out. Maybe I'll get that closure and maybe I won't. Maybe we'll spark an argument and go back to ways we have grown from.
I am scared to tell you the negatives. Just because they are so unbecoming of persons like us. We have grown up this year from where we were to where we are. It's nice to think that we are better persons and positive now. I may never grow out of the feelings I have for you. That's fine with me. Someone really did you wrong, and I wish they had never done that to you. Only because they ruined you for the other cats. Which is a shame. I just hope you realise how amazing you really are.
You really had a hold on me. I don't really know what happened between us, and from what I hear from our friends neither do you. I guess it was a draw for us both. The first couple months after we fell out. Those where the hardest months I had to tackle in years. Since Jimmy passed away. I couldn't stand to be in the same room with you, unless I was drunk or high. So high I didn't realise you where there. Slowly though, I tackled that problem. I didn't hardly eat for a few weeks. People yelled at me for not eating. I was a train wreck. I really hated you for it all. I'm sorry for taking it out on myself. I know you wouldn't have wanted me to do that.
After that was all said and done. I dove into my activism work. I swam so deep and fast that I wanted to do nothing more than Activism. Just because I didn't want to think about what had happened between us. I wanted to do nothing but work. Just so I could keep myself occupied with others rather than myself. It wasn't the easiest thing to do, often my mind would wander to you. Thoughts of whether you missed me like I missed you, or even whether you where thinking about me. Stupid thoughts a person like myself normally has. I felt like I had shut down and just kept moving forward. Finally, I got use to the thought of you not being in my life anymore and missing our talks. It had just become a fond memory of Spring.
Here I am now, thinking about us. Only because we are growing up and moving on. Every once in a while we talk. We touch base with our lives and hear about the things each of us is doing. Distant friends we have grown into. At least I can call you a friend again. You know, I never thought we would get to that part. Maybe some day we'll have that talk I want. That talk where I can tell you this all in person and let you know how much I really hated how things turned out. Maybe I'll get that closure and maybe I won't. Maybe we'll spark an argument and go back to ways we have grown from.
I am scared to tell you the negatives. Just because they are so unbecoming of persons like us. We have grown up this year from where we were to where we are. It's nice to think that we are better persons and positive now. I may never grow out of the feelings I have for you. That's fine with me. Someone really did you wrong, and I wish they had never done that to you. Only because they ruined you for the other cats. Which is a shame. I just hope you realise how amazing you really are.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
From the Outside Looking In
You know you hear of oppressive systems in society. You know when you have one community being oppressive over another. We forget that inter-community oppression is a common practice as well. Where I am located. I feel that to a certain degree people like myself are not very accepted into my community of Trans* folks. Only because I don't feel that when people look at me they go "Oh that person, they are just so confused about who they are. We shouldn't accept them because they are just a jumbled up mess." You know, I am choose the monocular of Gender-queer after I had identified for 6 years as a Trans-Female. Only because I have a choices! The fact that being bore a child of the inter-sex nature only helped me come to this realization. To be honest, my body is just as much as a car crash my brain is most days. I won't lie. I keep many things to myself, but I think if someone knew the things I thought of or even saw them. They'd declare me a Grade A loony and just ship me off.
It's scary sometimes to be the person I am. Just because I feel "I am not Trans* enough." Not because I am told this but by the way people in the community absolutely treat me. The dominant persons in the community is Trans-Men/Males/Boi. Honestly, I find them absolutely captivating and prefer to date them to anyone else. The problem is that they don't seem to want to even associate themselves with me. Trans-males at least from my perspectives travel in packs and like to only let a certain number of people or type of person into those packs. If you don't assume the roles they are looking for or meet the guidelines should I say they seem to push you away. Honestly, I know about a handful of Trans-Women/Females who even exist in this community because I know they themselves have felt pushed out by the Trans-Masculine people. They just cannot seem to find other Trans-Feminine people so they huddle in the corners.
The main problem I see from this is because it comes down to my genitalia to be honest. I was not biologically born a female and since I was born male. I cannot play with the boys because of Gender Roles that we cling to make sense of ourselves. Yes, I can understand that these folks are friends because they have commonalities in their lives. "Walked the same path." as I would say. Though, I feel that since I was born a boy and now I am Gender-queer neither sides of the fence even like to associate with me. Those who do really are quite a interesting folk who only like to associate with me because of certain traits. I'm hilarious to be around, I'm an amazing host, I go to great lengths to make people happy. I feel used more than I think I should.
It's just something that bugs me, when both sides of the fence just want me to walk the fence by myself. If I do walk that line, I'm just Tegan... all by myself. I do so much for people and feel highly under appreciated. I was told this would happen, but I don't see how you can have a community that is divided by Gender Roles, when we ourselves detest these roles in the first place. We are huge Hippocrates to a degree. I know myself I am as well. I would just like to see improvement in the community by working together. I'm feel that I am just "put up with". I don't get to "hang with the boys". I feel left out when I hear about them all congregating together and leaving people like myself out. How do you build a community when it's so one-sided and the smaller persons are pushed out. I mean come on this is why most Trans* Groups in Cincinnati that where formed where for Trans-Masculine folks aka Cincy-Boys.
The fact that it was called Cincy-Boys just seems very oppressive to the female on the spectrum. I know it even seem non-inclusive to my own person. Then you have Crossport. An organization that is catered to older Trans* folks and primarily people who call themselves Transsexuals. That's interesting because I know my genderation does not go by Transsexual because the term itself means to transcend sexual being. I am not transcending my sexual being. I am transcending both gender and sex. That's who I am. I would like to have a bigger community for Genderqueer folk, because we are frankly awesome!
It's scary sometimes to be the person I am. Just because I feel "I am not Trans* enough." Not because I am told this but by the way people in the community absolutely treat me. The dominant persons in the community is Trans-Men/Males/Boi. Honestly, I find them absolutely captivating and prefer to date them to anyone else. The problem is that they don't seem to want to even associate themselves with me. Trans-males at least from my perspectives travel in packs and like to only let a certain number of people or type of person into those packs. If you don't assume the roles they are looking for or meet the guidelines should I say they seem to push you away. Honestly, I know about a handful of Trans-Women/Females who even exist in this community because I know they themselves have felt pushed out by the Trans-Masculine people. They just cannot seem to find other Trans-Feminine people so they huddle in the corners.
The main problem I see from this is because it comes down to my genitalia to be honest. I was not biologically born a female and since I was born male. I cannot play with the boys because of Gender Roles that we cling to make sense of ourselves. Yes, I can understand that these folks are friends because they have commonalities in their lives. "Walked the same path." as I would say. Though, I feel that since I was born a boy and now I am Gender-queer neither sides of the fence even like to associate with me. Those who do really are quite a interesting folk who only like to associate with me because of certain traits. I'm hilarious to be around, I'm an amazing host, I go to great lengths to make people happy. I feel used more than I think I should.
It's just something that bugs me, when both sides of the fence just want me to walk the fence by myself. If I do walk that line, I'm just Tegan... all by myself. I do so much for people and feel highly under appreciated. I was told this would happen, but I don't see how you can have a community that is divided by Gender Roles, when we ourselves detest these roles in the first place. We are huge Hippocrates to a degree. I know myself I am as well. I would just like to see improvement in the community by working together. I'm feel that I am just "put up with". I don't get to "hang with the boys". I feel left out when I hear about them all congregating together and leaving people like myself out. How do you build a community when it's so one-sided and the smaller persons are pushed out. I mean come on this is why most Trans* Groups in Cincinnati that where formed where for Trans-Masculine folks aka Cincy-Boys.
The fact that it was called Cincy-Boys just seems very oppressive to the female on the spectrum. I know it even seem non-inclusive to my own person. Then you have Crossport. An organization that is catered to older Trans* folks and primarily people who call themselves Transsexuals. That's interesting because I know my genderation does not go by Transsexual because the term itself means to transcend sexual being. I am not transcending my sexual being. I am transcending both gender and sex. That's who I am. I would like to have a bigger community for Genderqueer folk, because we are frankly awesome!
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Waning Approval!
Hey Folks,
Been a while since I last gave an update about what has been going on with myself in the wonderful world of Tegan. I haven't had much time actually to be on the computer (other than to answer my emails and keep up with my Facebook). So, I figured while I had the time today I would at least get something written on here.
I am slowly working on another Gender Dissertation that I hope to have out but Octobers end. With all I have going on it's been hard to get anything to go. About three weeks ago I did a Presentation at Mercy Hospital in Clermont County, Ohio and it went over well. I have been working with them since to be more inclusive to Trans* members of the community as well as to keep them educated on Trans* issues they may face with working with the community. Just to make sure they are going to be ready to tackle any problem that can come their way in the most gracious and amazing of fashions!
Earlier than that, I actually ran two events at GLSEN Youth Summit at Northern Kentucky University which might I add went over decently. The event was small but really it was something worth while because the intentions of GLSEN really are something great. Just sometimes the ball gets dropped. Which happens a lot in Activism. It's not really anyone's fault it's just something that can happen when you have several people working on an event and you have either mis-communication or time strains because people have lives. At least people other than me, when it comes to activism. Edit: I forgot to actually talk about what panels/groups I held at the event though. Look at me getting all flustered. So, at the Youth Summit I held two events: Trans* Discussion and Trans* Affinity Group. Which might I say they went well. Though, I have never spent my life talking more about Bathroom Situations for a Trans* person in my life. More than 35 minutes the group discussed the issues that we face as Trans* persons in the restroom. Though, I was happy the group really did a great job communicating these issues and even had the group involved in a good portion of talk. The Trans* Affinity Group was pretty decent as well, as the group held amazing conversations about sharing interest in people, clothing, and even how we came out to friends and family. I was happy it was a 50 minute session but really got deep 20 minutes in. ^__^
I have a plethora of events coming up as well. So I am trying to keep my time table looking pretty nice. I am really just going to be making sure I can keep up with everything. Which, so far I am. I know I can do it. Honestly, the headway I have been making for myself seems to be paying off. I am really making sure that I have time for myself as well. Remember, we must practice self-care to be aware of ourselves mentally and physically. This sometimes can be lost in the muddle of everything that happens but we do have to be ready to tackle anything that comes our way.
So, to end this on a very exciting note. In Cincinnati, Trans* activism is really picking up for the most part in very glorious ways. It's exciting to know that what I walked into has changed for the betterment of the Trans* community. So, let's keep it going and we too can make the differences we want! ^__^
As Free As My Hair,
Tegan R. Stryker
Been a while since I last gave an update about what has been going on with myself in the wonderful world of Tegan. I haven't had much time actually to be on the computer (other than to answer my emails and keep up with my Facebook). So, I figured while I had the time today I would at least get something written on here.
I am slowly working on another Gender Dissertation that I hope to have out but Octobers end. With all I have going on it's been hard to get anything to go. About three weeks ago I did a Presentation at Mercy Hospital in Clermont County, Ohio and it went over well. I have been working with them since to be more inclusive to Trans* members of the community as well as to keep them educated on Trans* issues they may face with working with the community. Just to make sure they are going to be ready to tackle any problem that can come their way in the most gracious and amazing of fashions!
Earlier than that, I actually ran two events at GLSEN Youth Summit at Northern Kentucky University which might I add went over decently. The event was small but really it was something worth while because the intentions of GLSEN really are something great. Just sometimes the ball gets dropped. Which happens a lot in Activism. It's not really anyone's fault it's just something that can happen when you have several people working on an event and you have either mis-communication or time strains because people have lives. At least people other than me, when it comes to activism. Edit: I forgot to actually talk about what panels/groups I held at the event though. Look at me getting all flustered. So, at the Youth Summit I held two events: Trans* Discussion and Trans* Affinity Group. Which might I say they went well. Though, I have never spent my life talking more about Bathroom Situations for a Trans* person in my life. More than 35 minutes the group discussed the issues that we face as Trans* persons in the restroom. Though, I was happy the group really did a great job communicating these issues and even had the group involved in a good portion of talk. The Trans* Affinity Group was pretty decent as well, as the group held amazing conversations about sharing interest in people, clothing, and even how we came out to friends and family. I was happy it was a 50 minute session but really got deep 20 minutes in. ^__^
I have a plethora of events coming up as well. So I am trying to keep my time table looking pretty nice. I am really just going to be making sure I can keep up with everything. Which, so far I am. I know I can do it. Honestly, the headway I have been making for myself seems to be paying off. I am really making sure that I have time for myself as well. Remember, we must practice self-care to be aware of ourselves mentally and physically. This sometimes can be lost in the muddle of everything that happens but we do have to be ready to tackle anything that comes our way.
So, to end this on a very exciting note. In Cincinnati, Trans* activism is really picking up for the most part in very glorious ways. It's exciting to know that what I walked into has changed for the betterment of the Trans* community. So, let's keep it going and we too can make the differences we want! ^__^
As Free As My Hair,
Tegan R. Stryker
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Check Yo Self?
Let me tell you an story about something that happened to my on Labor Day weekend this year. I actually had to calm down and process this all out before I got upset and wrote something EXTREMELY mean. For this situation is quite... below myself.
So, it was the Saturday before Labor Day and all the Mall Rats where out in delight. For it was the first Saturday in a series of two. As Sunday could be counted as Saturday take two. If you are off on Monday for Labor Day! In this sense it works! My best friend and I decided that we would go and treat ourselves to some material clothing therapy (as we had the LONGEST day at work). We go to a Mall that is north of my hometown. It's about a 20 minute drive via the highway. Now, you have to remember that when you go out with me. People stare... viciously eye me like a trophy on display. Not because I am simply gorgeous but because I know they go "What is that?" Though, they where not raised properly in this sense. I am never a what. I'm a "Who"! Which I am happy to be who I am. I wouldn't trade it for the world.
Anyway, back to the story. So, I go shopping and just act like I normally do. LOUD and very hyper. Though, I am odd. That's another story. If you know me, you know how that is. So, we go about shopping we pick up a few things. I finally get a new pair of Skinny Jeans. I LOVE SKINNY JEANS. For some reason the feeling of tight denim squeezing my hips just gives me jollies! I cannot contain myself around them. It's kinda awesome. We decide that we are going to look for an album by the band "Imagine Dragons" at a store called "F.Y.E." if not everyone has heard of this place. It's kinda like the haven for CDs and DVDs. Well, around here it is! Note: I was wearing my awesome shades. They are A-Line 80s vintage yellow bordered glasses. Kinda boss, cause I have AWESOME taste in everything!
The part of the story that is significant though is what is going to happen next. So, my bestie and I are walking through and aisle and this group of girls (who had to be the age of 14-16) where eyeing me like the latest Justin Bieber album! Walking by them I just feel them staring me down. It's like they are going to just feast on my insides. Which, this is a common feeling the Tegster gets because well... it's a daily feeling. I am use to it. So I basically paid them no attention. UNTIL... one of them decides to walk up to me and tell me "I just really wanted to say that your 'sunglasses' are really awesome." Now, three reasons why this was not okay.
So, it was the Saturday before Labor Day and all the Mall Rats where out in delight. For it was the first Saturday in a series of two. As Sunday could be counted as Saturday take two. If you are off on Monday for Labor Day! In this sense it works! My best friend and I decided that we would go and treat ourselves to some material clothing therapy (as we had the LONGEST day at work). We go to a Mall that is north of my hometown. It's about a 20 minute drive via the highway. Now, you have to remember that when you go out with me. People stare... viciously eye me like a trophy on display. Not because I am simply gorgeous but because I know they go "What is that?" Though, they where not raised properly in this sense. I am never a what. I'm a "Who"! Which I am happy to be who I am. I wouldn't trade it for the world.
Anyway, back to the story. So, I go shopping and just act like I normally do. LOUD and very hyper. Though, I am odd. That's another story. If you know me, you know how that is. So, we go about shopping we pick up a few things. I finally get a new pair of Skinny Jeans. I LOVE SKINNY JEANS. For some reason the feeling of tight denim squeezing my hips just gives me jollies! I cannot contain myself around them. It's kinda awesome. We decide that we are going to look for an album by the band "Imagine Dragons" at a store called "F.Y.E." if not everyone has heard of this place. It's kinda like the haven for CDs and DVDs. Well, around here it is! Note: I was wearing my awesome shades. They are A-Line 80s vintage yellow bordered glasses. Kinda boss, cause I have AWESOME taste in everything!
The part of the story that is significant though is what is going to happen next. So, my bestie and I are walking through and aisle and this group of girls (who had to be the age of 14-16) where eyeing me like the latest Justin Bieber album! Walking by them I just feel them staring me down. It's like they are going to just feast on my insides. Which, this is a common feeling the Tegster gets because well... it's a daily feeling. I am use to it. So I basically paid them no attention. UNTIL... one of them decides to walk up to me and tell me "I just really wanted to say that your 'sunglasses' are really awesome." Now, three reasons why this was not okay.
- The reason why she approached me
- What it meant to approach me
- Why she did it
The reason she approached me: She wanted to find a reason to come up to me to hear my voice, see my face from close up, and assume my gender after what she say.
What it meant to approach me: When you do this, it's an act of placing someone in a box. Basically, since she could not assume my gender from a far. She needed to get key clues of my body and voice. So, approaching me with a compliment that was fasly placed. Gave her this advantage.
Why she did it: She ultimately wanted to answer her friends and herself's question. Boy or girl? Which in all honest. Curious but rude.
Now, you are probably wondering how this is rude. Basically they had to assume my gender. Since they could not file me in the boy or girl category. They wanted desperately to do this. I know, just little teenagers being ignorant, but an example I want to make. So, this is called "Checking Privilege". Meaning, that since I was not assumed either gender she had to find a way to affirm which gender I was. Now as a white female who was CIS gendered and Heterosexual she has more privilege than I. Meaning, that she can walk out into public and people can look at her and assume her a gender that is most likely the one she herself identifies as. Now, since she could not identify me. She tried her best to do it. Sneaky, but still did it. The act of checking a persons privilege is pretty darn mean and rude. She walked away and I looked right at my best friend and said "She just checked my privilege." in which I had to explain to him what that meant. So, do not EVER do this to a person. It's just plain... rude! Hopefully this never happens to you. If so, please make a point to remember that the world is ignorant and not everyone can be a lucky as us!
Monday, August 20, 2012
Positive Progression
I'm honestly amazed at how much progress I have made in making connections and networking in Cincinnati's LGBTQ community in the past two months. I've met and been working with some simply amazing people. I have several projects that I am excited about as well as I got two Panels approved for GLSEN's Youth Summit at NKU on Sept. 22nd. Which, it's really big for a Trans* person in this area to do that. I'm hoping to make the most of those (they are actually my first panels I will be running) which is even MORE exciting! I'm going to do them proper I must say. As it seems I have been networking on a larger scale I actually ordered my first set of Business Cards for myself. Which, I should receive them from Vistaprint in roughly 14 days. Which, I am SUPER EXCITED ABOUT! I'm gonna be on a card! WOOH!
Though, with all this progression I've caught myself crying a few times here and there. Nothing to worry about or anything bad. I'm just coming to terms with the idea that the person who set me on this path is no longer with me. I'm really proud of myself and I wish I could share this moment with Jimmy. I know he'd be like "You are not even the girl I met when you where 16. You sure have become something better!" It's been hard to let go, but I'm really starting to just do that. I know it's been five years since he passed, but the moments are just fresh in my mind.
I've grown and in the past five months I have grown more. I'm really excited about another project I am working on as well at NKU called "Active Minds" which, is a peer led group for Self-Awareness and Self-Care. Which, is something when in college I want to make sure people are really adamant about. I know I had to kick it up a notch with everything else. I actually took my last Sunday off from everything as I felt a bit overloaded from the previous week.
With starting a new job, keeping up with the house, working my new projects as well as growing my older ones, and starting a drag troupe... I'm kinda really overwhelmed. So, keeping it together is something I plan to do. I'm going to shoot for the stars! As I am the "fire from a spark".
Well I need to be off to bed, I have a busy day tomorrow. I hope you all are doing well and keeping care of yourselves. Til next time.
"Live as free as your hair."
Tegan
Though, with all this progression I've caught myself crying a few times here and there. Nothing to worry about or anything bad. I'm just coming to terms with the idea that the person who set me on this path is no longer with me. I'm really proud of myself and I wish I could share this moment with Jimmy. I know he'd be like "You are not even the girl I met when you where 16. You sure have become something better!" It's been hard to let go, but I'm really starting to just do that. I know it's been five years since he passed, but the moments are just fresh in my mind.
I've grown and in the past five months I have grown more. I'm really excited about another project I am working on as well at NKU called "Active Minds" which, is a peer led group for Self-Awareness and Self-Care. Which, is something when in college I want to make sure people are really adamant about. I know I had to kick it up a notch with everything else. I actually took my last Sunday off from everything as I felt a bit overloaded from the previous week.
With starting a new job, keeping up with the house, working my new projects as well as growing my older ones, and starting a drag troupe... I'm kinda really overwhelmed. So, keeping it together is something I plan to do. I'm going to shoot for the stars! As I am the "fire from a spark".
Well I need to be off to bed, I have a busy day tomorrow. I hope you all are doing well and keeping care of yourselves. Til next time.
"Live as free as your hair."
Tegan
Sunday, July 22, 2012
"Goin' Round this Roundabout."
An another day come and gone. I'm reflecting on all the things my life consist of and how much better they get daily. I currently have two people in my life that if I did not have; I really don't know what I would have done two months ago. Having them in my life is just made everything so much better on so many levels. I can genuinely say I love them to death because of what they have done for me. My main concern at the moment is that I think I am getting close to them. I'm very very scared of getting close to them. We have grown so close in the past three months but I don't want them to get close to me and then leave like everyone else does.
They are amazing people, that's something I hope to not lose in my life. If not for them, I'd never have gotten through hard times. I'm just scared that they are going to get close to me, realise what I monster I once was and be scared off. I'm not that person anymore, but my past still is one of my greatest fallacies. I'm not one to dwell on the past but when it catches up to me; I'm usually the one who pays for the things I did. I haven't ran from it in the longest time, and I think the closet is having less and less skeletons in it.
I just want to be known for whom I am know and not who I was when I was younger. I've made waves and atoned for the things in my past. Luckily, I believe these people think more of me because I am willing to admit my past is what it once was. I use to be a heavy cocaine user from the age of 14-16; roughly about 3 years. If it wasn't for someone dear I wouldn't have gotten better. It's thoughts like that; that scare me because of who I once was. I did horrible things for drugs, to get that fix. Yet, I battled and bested the demon. Why do I feel I have to keep hiding from it?
It's moments that I really miss "My Favourite Ghost". I haven't talked to him in a positive tone in about three months. I miss him dearly, and I am sorry about the mess we have become. Sometimes, things just cannot be fixed. I'm going to stop beating this horse. It's because of him, that becoming close to someone now, just seems like a waste of time. I'm not one to have enemies, and I never thought he would be one. Honestly, I love him. I want him to know that.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Turn-Tables.
"As we emerge from the Muck and the Mire; We're gonna set their champagne god on fire." - Say Anything.
I really don't know how to start this one. Personally, I've been a person in a world lately that is just POSITIVE. So, positive that it's complimenting my lifestyle in the best of trends. Except for this single day a year where I just get so down and depressed. It's odd to think that a single date can hold so much pain for a single person ya know? So, not many people know the story of Jimmy and I actually. I think I would like to share it with you.
So, where do I actually begin to be honest. Oh! I guess we'll go from the moment we actually met eyes. I remember the day very well. It was a humid June day in 2005. Jimmy Kawazowa was just then this little 22 year old boy sitting on the floor reading his favourite Manga (Yubasaki Milk Tea) in the Manga section of Barnes and Nobles on the Levee in Newport. His dusty brown hair was all you saw as he sat on the ground in the aisle. I remember this day more so for what happened next. I decided that I would wear my amazing hi-top Chuck Taylors (Note: when I was younger I could never get them to stay tied; so the strings usually became just strings dragging along the ground in accompaniment to my foot steps.) Which, is why what happened next... happened. Basically, while walking through the aisle I stepped on my opposite foots strings, went to take a step, and blam.... feel right on top of Jimmy. Yeah, I'm a walking klutz. Falling right on top of him (and I was heavier when I was younger too). I rushed to my knees and start spouting out "I'm sooooo sorry. Very sorry! Please, are you okay?" and in that single second Jimmy grabbed my t-shirt and pulled me close. Slamming our lips together and then pulling away he spoke for the first time to me. His soft voice sang out "You come on strong don't cha?" and I just start failing my arms "Oh my... no no no! Not what I was trying to do! I'm so sorry!" and then he started to chuckle at me.. I finally get out "What is so funny?"; my single thought was "Why did a complete stranger kiss me?" He patted me on the head and giggled and finally escaped the words from his lips "Your face is absolutely the most adorable thing when you are taken by surprised." and I know I was as red as a rose from his words. He then stood up and reached out his hand and helped me to my feet and said "Why don't we go get something to eat? My treat!" and I still in shock just nodded my head. He took me to eat Mitchel's Fish Market that day. I remember that I had the best Rainbow Trout in my life. Pristine.
I found that spending time with him would be getting addictive from that day; I would not leave his side for months. From him I would stay to the path and not stray a bit. Jimmy kept me in checks and balances within his ever soft and loving grip. I was tangle in a web and he made sure I was comfortable there. I was in a whirlwind in which I was hoping to go under the tide that came with it. I remember our first date like it was yesterday, his smile sent shivers down my spine that night when he opened to car door of his Blue/Grey shimmer painted Buick Skylark and helped me get in. I was grinning from ear to ear because no boy had done this for me. It was very much liked; it would be from this that my high expectations would probably never be met again. He took me to a nice dinner and a movie that night. My ideal date…he asked me what it would be and I replied happily “May we go to dinner and a movie?” He giggled at my innocence and gave his answer as “Your wish is my command, my dear!” I very much enjoyed the night. Our dinner was at this nice place called “Mitchell’s Fish Market”; it was close to our homes and was very widely known of the great seafood dishes it made. I was all dolled up for my date; this would be the first date I would go out as a female. I felt so free and right. I would never forget the compliment I got when I walked out the front door and Jimmy smiled at me, whistled and spoke “Wow, babe, you look fabulous, I am happy to say that I am taking you out to show off.” I blushing bright red; I know it. See, you’re probably thinking about when Jimmy learned about me and my ordeal with Gender Identity. Well to be honest, when we went out for dinner our first time before we were “Official” I told him I had feelings that I was not in the right body. He strongly urged me to go for what I felt comfortable and he would support me in that. He did not care if I was boy or girl, as long as he could have me. That ladies and gentlemen would be the most unsung song on my teen years. For the first time in my life, I was happy. Cause the thought of him made me skip around and sings songs. The night ending in what I would call the fieriest, passionate, and most arousing sex I had ever partaken in. The feeling of my dress hiked up and Jimmy’s flesh on top of mine, his pelvis thrusting into mine in a symphony among symphonies. His dress shirt clutched in my hands, my back hiking up more and more, and the moans escaping my mouth. The sweat from our skin lathered upon the back seat and steam from our conjoined efforts made the outside seem foggier than normal. In and out of my body making me lust for me. I wanted his all, he gave it to me. We had become one, and with that night, we fell in love. I gave him my all and I was fulfilled more than ever. He caressed my body in his soft lengthy arms, kissed my forehead, and sang to me. My head nuzzled in his chest, breathing in his sultry smell of Adidas deodorant and sweat. I kissed his chest, falling into a fairytale, not wanting to leave the one I was in. - Excerpt from "Crash Queen Diaries"
That's really how the best three years of my life began. We started dating a week later actually. Though, I really never thought he would stay around when he discovered the horrid things I had in my life at the time. Though, Jimmy helped me best those beast and become somewhat of a tame person. To be honest, if it wasn't for Jimmy; I'd either be six feet under from a Overdose or just a horrid little person. Jimmy actually stayed up many nights with me when I was coming off the drugs. I would literally become sick from the lack of Cocaine not in my system. I would also so the most outrageous horrible things a person could say. Jimmy was never quick or rash though. He'd sit me down and talk to me about these things. Telling me why I shouldn't say them or why I shouldn't do the things I do. In roughly six months he had me clean and happy. We would move into together from that day on. We had this very pretty brick house on Fairfield Avenue in Bellevue. We had a really good "American Dream" you could say. Jimmy really tried to give me the best things, which honestly he was the only thing I needed to get through my days.
I never told him but when we where dating; about a year into our relationship I told myself "One day, I'm going to be his wife." So, you could imagine my happiness when on our Third anniversary Jimmy took me to "Paliminos" at Tower Plaza downtown. We had this amazing beautiful candle light dinner and this amazing King Crab. Melting right in your mouth; so juicy! The dinner was just something that one could happily say they had once in their lifetime. Finally, we where just sitting and laughing at the table. Jimmy would tell the corniest jokes just because he knew them! He stood up and walked over to me and knelt down on his knees and from his blazer produced a black velvet box. Putting it closer to me he opened it and smiled widely; though he was a white as a ghost at this point. In the box was this simply amazing wrap around ring that was free-form. It was a little key with a heart at the end and the other side was just a key end. He spoke softly, his words vibrated "Tegan, would you do the honor and accept this key to my heart? I want you to make me the happiest man in the world." I burst out in tears. Rolling down my face, my mascara just flowing off my cheeks to my chin. I grabbed his collar to his shirt and threw my face to his and just clasped our lips together and said "You sure come on strong don't cha!" and he screamed out "SHE SAID YES!" and everyone clapped for us.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Community Building... Me.
One of the hardest things I have had to cope with as of late is how I reflect upon myself. Growing up I was absolutely a horrid child who absolutely deserved what I got. When I was 18, I had a pivotal moment when everything came down to whether I was going to regress into the horrid child I had once been or if I was going to move forward. This moment, brought me to a point when I wanted to be a person who was caring, gentle, kind heart, but also able to live as free as my hair. Luckily, I have done just that and kept that promise I made to someone dear. Looking back I see all the things I did that where in my mind bad. So, when I get a compliment or am treated in a positive light. I have a hard time accepting it. Lately, I have just been bombarded with so many compliments about myself as well as the work I do. That I am readjusting how positive affects me personally.
Lately, people have been more open to me. In the sense that people in my community have gotten to know me so much more. It's absolutely been a blast getting to know these people as well as taking time to grow relationships with them. This has been the biggest social movement my life has had. I know a shit ton of people and I LOVE IT! I was never a popular person in school, I know it was because I was someone who lived outside the norm. It's accepted with the people I know now and that's caused me to have this idea that what once was, was not proper at all. So, in my mind I have to do a 180... every time this situation arises. Which, can be a little hectic when you think about how much of an internal conflict I have with this.
If it was not for the people I have in my life right now, I wouldn't be able to get up in the morning. They are so positive to me, give me the confidence I need, as well make being a the person I am really worth it. Sometimes, being genderqueer is really hard because you don't really fit in anyway, you literally jump about the spectrum like it's no bodies business. As that makes sense for me, it does not for most people. So, luckily I can be the "Car-Crash" I am but also get up in the morning and live my life!
Last night we went to a local bar called "Arlin's" and everyone wanted to talk and spend time with me. That's soooooo odd to me. Only because I am not use to it. It's slowly built to this level but still. It's just something that creeper up and got the best of me. These people I have are just amazing, each with their own tales and lives. Experiences and trials. I wouldn't trade who they are for anything, because it's because they are who they are makes them worthwhile. They make life exciting and make my work really worth it. It's nice to be growing and have them there for me. I cannot wait to have this feeling get easier to accept, because I am ready to become a better person for them as well as myself.
Lately, people have been more open to me. In the sense that people in my community have gotten to know me so much more. It's absolutely been a blast getting to know these people as well as taking time to grow relationships with them. This has been the biggest social movement my life has had. I know a shit ton of people and I LOVE IT! I was never a popular person in school, I know it was because I was someone who lived outside the norm. It's accepted with the people I know now and that's caused me to have this idea that what once was, was not proper at all. So, in my mind I have to do a 180... every time this situation arises. Which, can be a little hectic when you think about how much of an internal conflict I have with this.
If it was not for the people I have in my life right now, I wouldn't be able to get up in the morning. They are so positive to me, give me the confidence I need, as well make being a the person I am really worth it. Sometimes, being genderqueer is really hard because you don't really fit in anyway, you literally jump about the spectrum like it's no bodies business. As that makes sense for me, it does not for most people. So, luckily I can be the "Car-Crash" I am but also get up in the morning and live my life!
Last night we went to a local bar called "Arlin's" and everyone wanted to talk and spend time with me. That's soooooo odd to me. Only because I am not use to it. It's slowly built to this level but still. It's just something that creeper up and got the best of me. These people I have are just amazing, each with their own tales and lives. Experiences and trials. I wouldn't trade who they are for anything, because it's because they are who they are makes them worthwhile. They make life exciting and make my work really worth it. It's nice to be growing and have them there for me. I cannot wait to have this feeling get easier to accept, because I am ready to become a better person for them as well as myself.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Teganing and How To?
Teganing (Verb) - Means to be hanging out with Tegan (aka myself). I know you are going "What?" Honestly, this was my initial feeling about this. Oddly enough, I was told I could not be able Tegan because... I was Tegan. This made me very sadface. I actually called this blog "Teganing" because a group of friends got together and decided that I should be a verb. First off, this delighted me on so many levels. It came at an interesting time as well. I'm a "Grammar Nazi", many people know this. I wholly dislike the idea of not being able to both speak and write proper English when you go to public school to learn just how to do that. Secondly, with the past month being behind me (it being a really rough month for myself). I decided that it's a positive thing when people like to hang out with you and actually be friends. Growing up, many of the friends I had always where "Out for themselves". So, I rarely had real friendship. It's nice to be able to feel... accepted. Especially when you think it's very hard for you to be accepted because you are not even like the community you want to belong too.
I'm a Genderqueer/Genderfluid/Non-Gender Conforming person. I do not even fall into the categories along the spectrum. They really don't know how much it means to me to be able to be a verb that other people made up. For that I love them. It's conflicting as a person, whom with my experiences to understand how it came about and even the fact that people can talk about me (and in a very positive attitude). I was even deemed as a "Popular Kid" in our community. Which, that's even more... sketchy to myself. I was never popular growing up and suddenly in the past year. I have the biggest personal life I could ask for! It's just amazing.
Okay, now I know I have two blogs "The Gender Agenda" and this one "Teganing". The point of these two are that the "The Gender Agenda" is where I will put my more analytic pieces and this one "Teganing" will be a more personal "Day to Day" type of subject matter. So, I hope you enjoy these types of things. I know I do!
~Tegs
I'm a Genderqueer/Genderfluid/Non-Gender Conforming person. I do not even fall into the categories along the spectrum. They really don't know how much it means to me to be able to be a verb that other people made up. For that I love them. It's conflicting as a person, whom with my experiences to understand how it came about and even the fact that people can talk about me (and in a very positive attitude). I was even deemed as a "Popular Kid" in our community. Which, that's even more... sketchy to myself. I was never popular growing up and suddenly in the past year. I have the biggest personal life I could ask for! It's just amazing.
Okay, now I know I have two blogs "The Gender Agenda" and this one "Teganing". The point of these two are that the "The Gender Agenda" is where I will put my more analytic pieces and this one "Teganing" will be a more personal "Day to Day" type of subject matter. So, I hope you enjoy these types of things. I know I do!
~Tegs
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