This year has been a roller coaster of craziness. If it's not family matters, it's friends. Sometimes, I rarely have time for myself and others I have so much time for myself it's a bore. About six months ago, I really fucked up something really good. I always tell people that I do not have regrets, but for once in my life I really regretting what happened between us. I know you'll probably never read this, but I want the world to know how much you meant to me as a person.
You really had a hold on me. I don't really know what happened between us, and from what I hear from our friends neither do you. I guess it was a draw for us both. The first couple months after we fell out. Those where the hardest months I had to tackle in years. Since Jimmy passed away. I couldn't stand to be in the same room with you, unless I was drunk or high. So high I didn't realise you where there. Slowly though, I tackled that problem. I didn't hardly eat for a few weeks. People yelled at me for not eating. I was a train wreck. I really hated you for it all. I'm sorry for taking it out on myself. I know you wouldn't have wanted me to do that.
After that was all said and done. I dove into my activism work. I swam so deep and fast that I wanted to do nothing more than Activism. Just because I didn't want to think about what had happened between us. I wanted to do nothing but work. Just so I could keep myself occupied with others rather than myself. It wasn't the easiest thing to do, often my mind would wander to you. Thoughts of whether you missed me like I missed you, or even whether you where thinking about me. Stupid thoughts a person like myself normally has. I felt like I had shut down and just kept moving forward. Finally, I got use to the thought of you not being in my life anymore and missing our talks. It had just become a fond memory of Spring.
Here I am now, thinking about us. Only because we are growing up and moving on. Every once in a while we talk. We touch base with our lives and hear about the things each of us is doing. Distant friends we have grown into. At least I can call you a friend again. You know, I never thought we would get to that part. Maybe some day we'll have that talk I want. That talk where I can tell you this all in person and let you know how much I really hated how things turned out. Maybe I'll get that closure and maybe I won't. Maybe we'll spark an argument and go back to ways we have grown from.
I am scared to tell you the negatives. Just because they are so unbecoming of persons like us. We have grown up this year from where we were to where we are. It's nice to think that we are better persons and positive now. I may never grow out of the feelings I have for you. That's fine with me. Someone really did you wrong, and I wish they had never done that to you. Only because they ruined you for the other cats. Which is a shame. I just hope you realise how amazing you really are.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
From the Outside Looking In
You know you hear of oppressive systems in society. You know when you have one community being oppressive over another. We forget that inter-community oppression is a common practice as well. Where I am located. I feel that to a certain degree people like myself are not very accepted into my community of Trans* folks. Only because I don't feel that when people look at me they go "Oh that person, they are just so confused about who they are. We shouldn't accept them because they are just a jumbled up mess." You know, I am choose the monocular of Gender-queer after I had identified for 6 years as a Trans-Female. Only because I have a choices! The fact that being bore a child of the inter-sex nature only helped me come to this realization. To be honest, my body is just as much as a car crash my brain is most days. I won't lie. I keep many things to myself, but I think if someone knew the things I thought of or even saw them. They'd declare me a Grade A loony and just ship me off.
It's scary sometimes to be the person I am. Just because I feel "I am not Trans* enough." Not because I am told this but by the way people in the community absolutely treat me. The dominant persons in the community is Trans-Men/Males/Boi. Honestly, I find them absolutely captivating and prefer to date them to anyone else. The problem is that they don't seem to want to even associate themselves with me. Trans-males at least from my perspectives travel in packs and like to only let a certain number of people or type of person into those packs. If you don't assume the roles they are looking for or meet the guidelines should I say they seem to push you away. Honestly, I know about a handful of Trans-Women/Females who even exist in this community because I know they themselves have felt pushed out by the Trans-Masculine people. They just cannot seem to find other Trans-Feminine people so they huddle in the corners.
The main problem I see from this is because it comes down to my genitalia to be honest. I was not biologically born a female and since I was born male. I cannot play with the boys because of Gender Roles that we cling to make sense of ourselves. Yes, I can understand that these folks are friends because they have commonalities in their lives. "Walked the same path." as I would say. Though, I feel that since I was born a boy and now I am Gender-queer neither sides of the fence even like to associate with me. Those who do really are quite a interesting folk who only like to associate with me because of certain traits. I'm hilarious to be around, I'm an amazing host, I go to great lengths to make people happy. I feel used more than I think I should.
It's just something that bugs me, when both sides of the fence just want me to walk the fence by myself. If I do walk that line, I'm just Tegan... all by myself. I do so much for people and feel highly under appreciated. I was told this would happen, but I don't see how you can have a community that is divided by Gender Roles, when we ourselves detest these roles in the first place. We are huge Hippocrates to a degree. I know myself I am as well. I would just like to see improvement in the community by working together. I'm feel that I am just "put up with". I don't get to "hang with the boys". I feel left out when I hear about them all congregating together and leaving people like myself out. How do you build a community when it's so one-sided and the smaller persons are pushed out. I mean come on this is why most Trans* Groups in Cincinnati that where formed where for Trans-Masculine folks aka Cincy-Boys.
The fact that it was called Cincy-Boys just seems very oppressive to the female on the spectrum. I know it even seem non-inclusive to my own person. Then you have Crossport. An organization that is catered to older Trans* folks and primarily people who call themselves Transsexuals. That's interesting because I know my genderation does not go by Transsexual because the term itself means to transcend sexual being. I am not transcending my sexual being. I am transcending both gender and sex. That's who I am. I would like to have a bigger community for Genderqueer folk, because we are frankly awesome!
It's scary sometimes to be the person I am. Just because I feel "I am not Trans* enough." Not because I am told this but by the way people in the community absolutely treat me. The dominant persons in the community is Trans-Men/Males/Boi. Honestly, I find them absolutely captivating and prefer to date them to anyone else. The problem is that they don't seem to want to even associate themselves with me. Trans-males at least from my perspectives travel in packs and like to only let a certain number of people or type of person into those packs. If you don't assume the roles they are looking for or meet the guidelines should I say they seem to push you away. Honestly, I know about a handful of Trans-Women/Females who even exist in this community because I know they themselves have felt pushed out by the Trans-Masculine people. They just cannot seem to find other Trans-Feminine people so they huddle in the corners.
The main problem I see from this is because it comes down to my genitalia to be honest. I was not biologically born a female and since I was born male. I cannot play with the boys because of Gender Roles that we cling to make sense of ourselves. Yes, I can understand that these folks are friends because they have commonalities in their lives. "Walked the same path." as I would say. Though, I feel that since I was born a boy and now I am Gender-queer neither sides of the fence even like to associate with me. Those who do really are quite a interesting folk who only like to associate with me because of certain traits. I'm hilarious to be around, I'm an amazing host, I go to great lengths to make people happy. I feel used more than I think I should.
It's just something that bugs me, when both sides of the fence just want me to walk the fence by myself. If I do walk that line, I'm just Tegan... all by myself. I do so much for people and feel highly under appreciated. I was told this would happen, but I don't see how you can have a community that is divided by Gender Roles, when we ourselves detest these roles in the first place. We are huge Hippocrates to a degree. I know myself I am as well. I would just like to see improvement in the community by working together. I'm feel that I am just "put up with". I don't get to "hang with the boys". I feel left out when I hear about them all congregating together and leaving people like myself out. How do you build a community when it's so one-sided and the smaller persons are pushed out. I mean come on this is why most Trans* Groups in Cincinnati that where formed where for Trans-Masculine folks aka Cincy-Boys.
The fact that it was called Cincy-Boys just seems very oppressive to the female on the spectrum. I know it even seem non-inclusive to my own person. Then you have Crossport. An organization that is catered to older Trans* folks and primarily people who call themselves Transsexuals. That's interesting because I know my genderation does not go by Transsexual because the term itself means to transcend sexual being. I am not transcending my sexual being. I am transcending both gender and sex. That's who I am. I would like to have a bigger community for Genderqueer folk, because we are frankly awesome!
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Waning Approval!
Hey Folks,
Been a while since I last gave an update about what has been going on with myself in the wonderful world of Tegan. I haven't had much time actually to be on the computer (other than to answer my emails and keep up with my Facebook). So, I figured while I had the time today I would at least get something written on here.
I am slowly working on another Gender Dissertation that I hope to have out but Octobers end. With all I have going on it's been hard to get anything to go. About three weeks ago I did a Presentation at Mercy Hospital in Clermont County, Ohio and it went over well. I have been working with them since to be more inclusive to Trans* members of the community as well as to keep them educated on Trans* issues they may face with working with the community. Just to make sure they are going to be ready to tackle any problem that can come their way in the most gracious and amazing of fashions!
Earlier than that, I actually ran two events at GLSEN Youth Summit at Northern Kentucky University which might I add went over decently. The event was small but really it was something worth while because the intentions of GLSEN really are something great. Just sometimes the ball gets dropped. Which happens a lot in Activism. It's not really anyone's fault it's just something that can happen when you have several people working on an event and you have either mis-communication or time strains because people have lives. At least people other than me, when it comes to activism. Edit: I forgot to actually talk about what panels/groups I held at the event though. Look at me getting all flustered. So, at the Youth Summit I held two events: Trans* Discussion and Trans* Affinity Group. Which might I say they went well. Though, I have never spent my life talking more about Bathroom Situations for a Trans* person in my life. More than 35 minutes the group discussed the issues that we face as Trans* persons in the restroom. Though, I was happy the group really did a great job communicating these issues and even had the group involved in a good portion of talk. The Trans* Affinity Group was pretty decent as well, as the group held amazing conversations about sharing interest in people, clothing, and even how we came out to friends and family. I was happy it was a 50 minute session but really got deep 20 minutes in. ^__^
I have a plethora of events coming up as well. So I am trying to keep my time table looking pretty nice. I am really just going to be making sure I can keep up with everything. Which, so far I am. I know I can do it. Honestly, the headway I have been making for myself seems to be paying off. I am really making sure that I have time for myself as well. Remember, we must practice self-care to be aware of ourselves mentally and physically. This sometimes can be lost in the muddle of everything that happens but we do have to be ready to tackle anything that comes our way.
So, to end this on a very exciting note. In Cincinnati, Trans* activism is really picking up for the most part in very glorious ways. It's exciting to know that what I walked into has changed for the betterment of the Trans* community. So, let's keep it going and we too can make the differences we want! ^__^
As Free As My Hair,
Tegan R. Stryker
Been a while since I last gave an update about what has been going on with myself in the wonderful world of Tegan. I haven't had much time actually to be on the computer (other than to answer my emails and keep up with my Facebook). So, I figured while I had the time today I would at least get something written on here.
I am slowly working on another Gender Dissertation that I hope to have out but Octobers end. With all I have going on it's been hard to get anything to go. About three weeks ago I did a Presentation at Mercy Hospital in Clermont County, Ohio and it went over well. I have been working with them since to be more inclusive to Trans* members of the community as well as to keep them educated on Trans* issues they may face with working with the community. Just to make sure they are going to be ready to tackle any problem that can come their way in the most gracious and amazing of fashions!
Earlier than that, I actually ran two events at GLSEN Youth Summit at Northern Kentucky University which might I add went over decently. The event was small but really it was something worth while because the intentions of GLSEN really are something great. Just sometimes the ball gets dropped. Which happens a lot in Activism. It's not really anyone's fault it's just something that can happen when you have several people working on an event and you have either mis-communication or time strains because people have lives. At least people other than me, when it comes to activism. Edit: I forgot to actually talk about what panels/groups I held at the event though. Look at me getting all flustered. So, at the Youth Summit I held two events: Trans* Discussion and Trans* Affinity Group. Which might I say they went well. Though, I have never spent my life talking more about Bathroom Situations for a Trans* person in my life. More than 35 minutes the group discussed the issues that we face as Trans* persons in the restroom. Though, I was happy the group really did a great job communicating these issues and even had the group involved in a good portion of talk. The Trans* Affinity Group was pretty decent as well, as the group held amazing conversations about sharing interest in people, clothing, and even how we came out to friends and family. I was happy it was a 50 minute session but really got deep 20 minutes in. ^__^
I have a plethora of events coming up as well. So I am trying to keep my time table looking pretty nice. I am really just going to be making sure I can keep up with everything. Which, so far I am. I know I can do it. Honestly, the headway I have been making for myself seems to be paying off. I am really making sure that I have time for myself as well. Remember, we must practice self-care to be aware of ourselves mentally and physically. This sometimes can be lost in the muddle of everything that happens but we do have to be ready to tackle anything that comes our way.
So, to end this on a very exciting note. In Cincinnati, Trans* activism is really picking up for the most part in very glorious ways. It's exciting to know that what I walked into has changed for the betterment of the Trans* community. So, let's keep it going and we too can make the differences we want! ^__^
As Free As My Hair,
Tegan R. Stryker
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