This year has been a roller coaster of craziness. If it's not family matters, it's friends. Sometimes, I rarely have time for myself and others I have so much time for myself it's a bore. About six months ago, I really fucked up something really good. I always tell people that I do not have regrets, but for once in my life I really regretting what happened between us. I know you'll probably never read this, but I want the world to know how much you meant to me as a person.
You really had a hold on me. I don't really know what happened between us, and from what I hear from our friends neither do you. I guess it was a draw for us both. The first couple months after we fell out. Those where the hardest months I had to tackle in years. Since Jimmy passed away. I couldn't stand to be in the same room with you, unless I was drunk or high. So high I didn't realise you where there. Slowly though, I tackled that problem. I didn't hardly eat for a few weeks. People yelled at me for not eating. I was a train wreck. I really hated you for it all. I'm sorry for taking it out on myself. I know you wouldn't have wanted me to do that.
After that was all said and done. I dove into my activism work. I swam so deep and fast that I wanted to do nothing more than Activism. Just because I didn't want to think about what had happened between us. I wanted to do nothing but work. Just so I could keep myself occupied with others rather than myself. It wasn't the easiest thing to do, often my mind would wander to you. Thoughts of whether you missed me like I missed you, or even whether you where thinking about me. Stupid thoughts a person like myself normally has. I felt like I had shut down and just kept moving forward. Finally, I got use to the thought of you not being in my life anymore and missing our talks. It had just become a fond memory of Spring.
Here I am now, thinking about us. Only because we are growing up and moving on. Every once in a while we talk. We touch base with our lives and hear about the things each of us is doing. Distant friends we have grown into. At least I can call you a friend again. You know, I never thought we would get to that part. Maybe some day we'll have that talk I want. That talk where I can tell you this all in person and let you know how much I really hated how things turned out. Maybe I'll get that closure and maybe I won't. Maybe we'll spark an argument and go back to ways we have grown from.
I am scared to tell you the negatives. Just because they are so unbecoming of persons like us. We have grown up this year from where we were to where we are. It's nice to think that we are better persons and positive now. I may never grow out of the feelings I have for you. That's fine with me. Someone really did you wrong, and I wish they had never done that to you. Only because they ruined you for the other cats. Which is a shame. I just hope you realise how amazing you really are.
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