One of the hardest things I have had to cope with as of late is how I reflect upon myself. Growing up I was absolutely a horrid child who absolutely deserved what I got. When I was 18, I had a pivotal moment when everything came down to whether I was going to regress into the horrid child I had once been or if I was going to move forward. This moment, brought me to a point when I wanted to be a person who was caring, gentle, kind heart, but also able to live as free as my hair. Luckily, I have done just that and kept that promise I made to someone dear. Looking back I see all the things I did that where in my mind bad. So, when I get a compliment or am treated in a positive light. I have a hard time accepting it. Lately, I have just been bombarded with so many compliments about myself as well as the work I do. That I am readjusting how positive affects me personally.
Lately, people have been more open to me. In the sense that people in my community have gotten to know me so much more. It's absolutely been a blast getting to know these people as well as taking time to grow relationships with them. This has been the biggest social movement my life has had. I know a shit ton of people and I LOVE IT! I was never a popular person in school, I know it was because I was someone who lived outside the norm. It's accepted with the people I know now and that's caused me to have this idea that what once was, was not proper at all. So, in my mind I have to do a 180... every time this situation arises. Which, can be a little hectic when you think about how much of an internal conflict I have with this.
If it was not for the people I have in my life right now, I wouldn't be able to get up in the morning. They are so positive to me, give me the confidence I need, as well make being a the person I am really worth it. Sometimes, being genderqueer is really hard because you don't really fit in anyway, you literally jump about the spectrum like it's no bodies business. As that makes sense for me, it does not for most people. So, luckily I can be the "Car-Crash" I am but also get up in the morning and live my life!
Last night we went to a local bar called "Arlin's" and everyone wanted to talk and spend time with me. That's soooooo odd to me. Only because I am not use to it. It's slowly built to this level but still. It's just something that creeper up and got the best of me. These people I have are just amazing, each with their own tales and lives. Experiences and trials. I wouldn't trade who they are for anything, because it's because they are who they are makes them worthwhile. They make life exciting and make my work really worth it. It's nice to be growing and have them there for me. I cannot wait to have this feeling get easier to accept, because I am ready to become a better person for them as well as myself.
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